Maybe it's all the TV we're watching, or maybe it's our sugar-loaded diets that do it, or perhaps there's something in the water (besides killer fluoride) that's turning us all into dimwits. Whatever the reason, though - all kidding aside, it's probably a combination of the boob tube and declining education standards - there's no better indication of just how dumb we are than the warning labels found on consumer goods.
Here are a few of the more priceless examples, as gathered from a couple of different sources on the Internet. Some of these would be hilarious if they weren't so disturbing...
- "For external use only." -- On a curling iron.
- "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
- "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a windshield-covering dashboard sunshield.
- "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
- "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
- "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set.
- "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
- "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
- "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
- "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for an iron.
- "Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a kid-sized Superman costume.
- "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a hammer.
- "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a chainsaw.
- "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
- "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6" x 10" inflatable picture frame.
- "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
- "Do not use as an ice cream topping." - On a bottle of hair coloring agent.
Funny, huh? But does this mean someone actually stuck a curling iron where the sun doesn't shine? Or tried to use hair coloring as ice cream topping? Or folded up their baby in the stroller? Or thought their superhero costume granted them the power of flight? Sadly, it probably does.
These warnings paint the sad picture of two distressing trends in America: First, and already mentioned, is our steady migration toward a condition of intellectual vapidity. Second is our growing tendency to sue others for our own stupidity. That's the fundamental reason these labels exist - to keep people from being able to cash in on their lack of common sense.
This underscores an even greater problem that's contributing to the deterioration of the America we know: The tendency of our court system to hold the individual blameless, no matter how asinine his or her conduct. Nowadays, it's the product's fault for not having a warning against every irrational or ridiculous thing you could do, the state's fault for not having a sign posted, the restaurant's fault for serving coffee that's too hot.
Where's our individual accountability? Somehow I must have missed the label warning that read: "Caution: American ideals, identities, standards, education, entrepreneurial rights and legal liability precedents subject to change without notice."