AvengerRamblings (Vol. IV): Common Media Disorders

[AvengerRam]

Common Media Disorders (From the New England Journal of Sports Media Medicine)

OOCD (Owens Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Among the more common ailments found among the media, this disorder is characterized by the inability to report on anything that does not involve Terrell Owens. Individuals suffering from this disorder will often express a bipolar alternation of affinity and disapproval of Owens. The condition is highly contagious, with notable past outbreaks in Northern California and Eastern Pennsylvania. Initial reports of a Central Texas outbreak, though unconfirmed, have been noted. Treatment Option: Individuals suffering from this disorder are often prescribed large doses of Torry Holt and Marvin Harrison.

SPASMS (Summer Prediction Selective Memory Syndrome)
Individuals suffering from this syndrome generally display highly localized memory loss. Early statistical data analyses suggest that the memory gaps are generally concentrated in the areas of inaccurate prognostications made during the Summery months. Those stricken with the ailment often mysteriously recall Summer month prognostications that prove accurate, while demonstrating a complete inability to recall those which remain unfulfilled. Treatment Option: The independent archiving of prognostications is recommended, as those suffering from this disorder often compulsively destroy documentary evidence of inaccurate prognostications.

CLD (Cardinal Learning Difficulty)
A chronic disorder, victims of CLD repeatedly perceive vast improvement in the Arizona Cardinals. Symptoms include reckless playoff predictions and oblivious disregard of interior line deficiencies. While some studies suggest that this disorder is related to desert heatstroke, this view is generally rejected, as similar outbreaks have been recorded in years past in cold weather cities such as Seattle, Detroit and Buffalo. Treatment Option: While their may be no cure for this disorder, it generally subsides and becomes non-symptomatic in the mid-to-late Autumn months.

BETS (Brady Erectile Triggering Syndrome)
Widely found among Northeast media members, those suffering from this disorder experience spontaneous erections at the sight or mention of Tom Brady. The syndrome often causes a mild form of dementia in which Brady is assigned God-like qualities and other quarterbacks are denigrated despite objective superiority. Treatment Option: Sadly, little is known regarding an effective treatment for this condition. Often times, those suffering from this condition previously suffered from FAD (Favre Admiration Disorder) and many have recently reported as exhibiting signs of Leinhartphilia.

CRI (Cranial Rectal Intrusion)
While rejected by some, a substantial number of researchers attribute a multitude of disorders to the CRI virus. Members of the media suffering from this virus will repeatedly and, oddly, seemingly unknowingly, insert their craniums between their buttocks and lodge them firmly within the rectum. This process is painful for both the sufferer and observers alike. The condition is mildly contagious, as some observers will adopt the positions of the infected media members and emulate their contortions. Treatment Option: None.

[laram0]

I unfortunately witness alot of BETS around these parts.

[RAMMAN68]

LOL,

That's good stuff AV. I almost had a spontaneous discharge of liquid through the nostrils, other wise known as an Asner.