The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

Mike Martz couldn’t figure it out. Neither could Joe Vitt. Or Scott Linehan. Or even Jim Haslett. They were all stumped.

The question seems simple, at face value. Why have the Rams been losing?

Essentially, I think the coaches have been unable to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. They are just too close to the situation. They also lack the mathematical aptitude to uncover the correct formula for success and failure in the NFL.

Thankfully, they have me. Though I don’t like to brag about it, I was a math major who won many award during my five years in middle school. I tend to see the world differently than others. Where others see words and concepts, I see numbers and formulas.

The game of football is no exception. I have, through painstaking efforts, developed an infallible method of explaining why some teams succeed, while others fail.

I call it the “Zero Margin Points Quotient.” Here is how it works:

Teams can score points, under varying circumstances, in the following amounts: 1, 2, 3 and 6. This variable is know as the Individual Score Point Variable, or ISPV. In the course of a game, a team has the ability to accumulate ISPVs in each of four quarters (and potentially more, in the event of a tie). To determine the total Point Sum, or PS, for each quarter (and overtime), the following formula is used.

Q1 PS = the sum of all ISPVs during the first 15 minutes of a game.

Q2 PS = the sum of all ISPVs during the second 15 minutes of a game.

Q3 PS = the sum of all ISPVs during the third 15 minutes of a game.

Q4 PS = the sum of all ISPVs during the forth 15 minutes of a game.

OT PS = the sum of all ISPVs during any overtime period.

At the conclusion of the game, each team’s PS total is derived by adding Q1, Q2, Q3 and Q4 (and OT, if necessary). The totals are then compared, resulting in the team with the higher PS total having a Points Quotient above the margin (a positive number), while the team with the lower PS having a Points Quotient below the margin (a negative number). A mutual margin of zero indicates a tie.

Through this intricate formula, I can determine exactly why the Rams have lost 11 of 13 games. As expected, the Rams had a Sub-Margin Points Quotient in each game they lost, while it was Above-Margin in the two wins.

If only the coaching staff had the ability to conduct this type of analysis. Perhaps, things would then get better.

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

WHALA!

Someone forward this to Jim Haslett...IMMEDIATELY!!!

Way to go BernieM!

I'm actually surprised AV didn't come up with this a long time ago.

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

Wow, Bernie. That was a TOTAL waste of ninety seconds ..... thanks.

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

Who ever said that a degree in maths was pointless?

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

Did Martz not take us to the super bowl?

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

I'm up at 11.30 trying to do my maths coursework on Fourier Transforms and Sturm-Liouville Problems and i read this. So i've ripped up my work and am instead going to plagiarise this and submit it tomorrow, i'm guaranteed to get a first now. Hope you don't mind Bernie!!

Re: The Real Reason That The Rams Have Been Losing

Quote:

Originally Posted by

**BernieM**
during my five years in middle school

Took the scenic route, eh Bernie?