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  1. #1
    RamTime Guest

    Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    October 23, 2004 (NHS) -- Jerry Rice was traded to Seattle for, well, nothing (his true market value) after a typical episode of Jerry being Jerry (being an egomaniacal a-hole). But the most overrated individual in sports history got his way in the end -- which is all that matters, right? -- notwithstanding the stench of how it went down.

    End of West Coast offense, end of Jerry
    It started with Rice's meltdown in Oakland. After Al Davis toyed with the cheesy West Coast offense in Oakland for the last couple years -- perhaps just to show how easy it is to dink your way to the Super Bowl -- this year he brought in Norv Turner and real offense back to the Silver & Black.

    And Jerry couldn't hack it.

    It's no coincidence that it took just two games in a legitimate offensive scheme to spell the end of one of the most perverted pieces of meaningless NFL trivia -- Rice's little "consecutive games with a catch" streak.

    There are complete idiots that use this among "proof" that Rice is, laughably, "the greatest player ever", but perhaps now they'll connect the dots that the entire "streak" was based on nothing more than throwing him an avalanche of cheesy 2-yard dink attempts in the Wuss Coast offense, and not anything of value.

    But alas, this concept continues to boggle the braintrust in the media. The San Jose Mercury wrote, "Raiders Coach Norv Turner had no explanation Monday for Rice's diminishing role, other than to say: 'It's a different offense, a different style of offense, and we have a lot of people playing.'"

    Hey, geniuses -- how exactly is this "no explanation"??

    The fact that it's a different offense is the exact explanation.

    Truth is, Rice's skills only translate to the gimmick Wuss Coast offense. When he ended up in the Raiders' traditional offense by mistake, his skills became garbage. Other smaller, faster receivers that can actually get open down the field are more valuable to Norv Turner's scheme.

    The explanation that eludes the faculties of our lovable media is simply put: end of WCO, end of Jerry. It's just that simple. It's the same reason Steve Young was worthless in Tampa Bay. It's a shame it took 20 years until Rice ended up by chance in a real offense to finally see the truth we've known all along come to fruition. Too bad we never got to see Joe Montana leave the shelter of the cozy dink pass offense.

    Same old class
    As the clock ran down and it was clear his little streak was going to end, Rice started throwing his helmet and kicking things and muttering to himself on the sideline -- while his team was winning.

    When the apocalypse actually happened and the game ended without the Divine Catch being bestowed upon the Almighty, the media spin started kicking the helmet of truth. Even though all reputable people already know Rice is an A-#1 Selfish Jerk, the sniveling media broke out their tired, old "he's just a competitor" excuse to rationalize away his juvenile behavior and laughably treated the end of this streak as a loss of something of actual value. Despite the media's protection, Raiders OL Frank Middleton gave a rare candid assessment of Rice:

    "We won and that's important. It's one of them things where everybody's got to give a little for the team. If he has to give a record for us to win a game, I think that's a small price to pay. It's easy to go out and play football every week when you're playing for something. He was playing to keep his record alive. Now the record is dead. Now we really get to see what kind of character he has. If he comes out and does great because the record is not on the line anymore, that's just going to make him look better as a player. If he shuts it down and gets mad because it's broke, that's going to say something about him, too."


    Following that game, not only did Rice shut it down, he embarked on an AM radio talk show circuit to whine and, like the coward he is, invented/hyped trade rumors about himself to extract himself from the situation. After all, nobody else had any confirmed word of any sort of trade for Jerry before his radio interviews, and any team asked denied it as ridiculous. But lo and behold, as soon as he hit the airwaves, suddenly there were "trade rumors" that Rice was "endorsing". The Lions were mentioned as a possible trade destination as were, laughably, the *****. In the end, he *****ed and moaned and ran off crying to Seattle.

    So what can we say about Rice now?

    Unfortunately, it's not about what we say about Rice (no matter how true), it's about what the media continues to spew to the clueless masses. Any time the subject of Rice comes up, inevitably it involves the apologist du jour sputtering the lie that he's "the greatest football player ever" (the most absurd statement ever uttered) and belief that he can help the Seahawks "as a mentor". One of the biggest enemies of the truth, ex-49er beat writer Clark Judge now sleazing around at, even wrote, "Rice should be a positive influence on all the Seahawks receivers, just as he was on a young Terrell Owens."

    [Pause while you stop laughing.]

    Yes, here's to hoping all those Seattle receivers emulate the class of Owens, as passed down by classy Jerry -- as if that's a "positive influence"!!

    [Pause again for you to stop laughing.]

    But what can you expect from guys like Judge? After all, he's the same guy who back in the day claimed it was "common sense" for the ***** to sign Lawrence Phillips. Well, I guess one could in theory expect such blatant bias and incompetence to be fired instead of being promoted to, but then you wouldn't be thinking The 49er Way.

    Finally, the whole event was yet another excuse for the obligatory fawning over Rice's "legendary status" going around the star-struck media groupies, with arguments that he's still worth something "even though he can't do all the things he used to do anymore".

    Anymore?? Fact is, he never did those "things" the media likes to pretend about Rice. His entire success was built around the exact same thing he is doing today -- catching little dink passes -- which is exactly why the Lions were the initial pipe dream and Seattle was Rice's ultimate destination. All places with ex-***** coaches still loyal and willing to pad Rice's stats with meaningless dump-offs. But don't expect the media to get it -- they fully endorse the motto that "if you repeat a 49er lie often enough, people will think it's true."

    Going out our way
    According to Rice, his unrest and trade wishes were to avoid ending his oh-so-Best Ever career on a sour note. As he told his media buddies, "I can't go out this way." -- after all, no one has a higher opinion of Jerry's legacy than Jerry.

    What he means by going out "that way", of course, is "our way" -- the way of embarrassment and tainted memories. Sorry, Jerry, whether you want to or not, you are going out our way. And rest assured we are all wearing big, fat smiles at your comeuppance.

    After all, if you didn't want to go out this way, you should have retired years ago. Instead, as everyone knows, the only reason you're still hanging around is to try to add more worthless stats to your little records. That vanity cost you your little streak, and like it or not, Randy Moss will pass your records in a few years (he's on pace for 260 TDs). If not him, then someone else -- just like you passed other receivers in the records books even though you were never fit to carry their jocks, including Steve Largent.

    That leads to the final insult of this whole affair: how the Seahawks "unretired" Largent's jersey number 80 for Rice to wear. The universal disgust among fans with Rice's unequalled gall to even consider asking, then the team's pandering to such a worthless person and disrespect to Largent in granting such a monstrosity was perfectly recorded at a must-read article at

    A look at the newsgroup on the Internet revealed more protests over Jerry's unmatched narcissism to even ask for the number and the ridiculousness of "unretiring" a number. One post indicated a fan had written the team threatening to turn in his season tickets if they allowed the "unretiring" to happen. Clearly, Seahawks fans are universally angered and embarrassed by this "unretiring" episode, and who could blame them?

    So how did the Seattle local media react? Well, the choice came down to being loyal to their readers or to Rice and -- big surprise -- a check of The Seattle Times and Seattle Post-Intelligencer revealed the exact same-old ass-kissing and spin to protect Jerry that we've seen in the Bay Area for the past 20 years. See, for example, the Times' headline: "Outrage unnecessary: Largent proud to let Rice wear his number".

    The article was an incredibly insulting offering worthy of a Bay Area merlot-and-cheddar journalism award, presenting the issue as if Largent "gave his blessing" (as if he had an option to say no) to allow such an oh-so-Best Ever Living Legend wear a retired jersey. Guess it's true that Rice will always be a 49er -- at least to the media, no matter where he goes.

    One NHS member sent a quick email suggesting Rice's new jersey should be number "80b" -- a perfect summation of the indignity of the situation -- and the joke that is Jerry Rice.

  2. #2
    HUbison's Avatar
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    Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    RT, to add a quantitative point to your narrative, if I may...

    When those who worship Rice as the "greatest player ever" defend their faith, they typically do so by quoting the fact that he has more receptions and more yardage than any receiver of all time. But as RamTime has so effectively stated, when you spend you're whole career under the dressing room flattery mirror that is the West Coast Offense, you should have outlandish reception and yardage stats. But the real question is, shouldn't the "greatest player ever" be able to make the most out of every reception?

    The following is a list of the top 13 in career receiving yardage ranked according to yards per receptions.
    Don Maynard 18.7
    James Lofton 18.3
    Henry Ellard 16.9
    Charlie Joiner 16.2
    Steve Largent 16.0
    Michael Irvin 15.9
    Isaac Bruce 15.1
    Irving Fryar 15.0
    Jerry Rice 14.8
    Andre Reed 13.9
    Tim Brown 13.7
    Art Monk 13.5
    Cris Carter 12.6

    So of the 13 highest yardage receivers in history, Rice, the "greatest player ever", only ranks 9th. And this doesn't even include receivers who haven't been around long enough to crack the top 13 in yardage, such as Randy Moss (15.9) and Torry Holt (15.8).

  3. #3
    Nick's Avatar
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    Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    Did you write this, Wraith? If not, where is it from?

  4. #4
    RAMMAN68's Avatar
    RAMMAN68 is offline Registered User
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    Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    Nice post Ramtime. :redface:

    I totally agree, Rice needs a reality check. Hopefully he will retire after this season. :confused:

    I know this is off topic, but Ramtime eluded to the fact that Rice needed to got to a team with an ex .***** coach and running the West Coast Offense. It's now clear why Tantrum Overrated (T.O) held out to go to the E-gals.
    And it had nothing to do with the E-gals being a better team.

    Hummm, makes sense dosen't it?

    Adm. William "Bull" Halsey

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