Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. San Diego Chargers (11-2): LaDanian Tomlinson consistently exhibits a degree of badassedness rarely witnessed by mankind. He’s on pace to be the lead character in Mel Gibson’s nineteenth movie about a guy who reaps violent vengeance on his enemies. If LaDomlinson doesn’t absolutely run away with the League MVP, it will be the biggest upset since Chris Daughtry’s premature ouster from American Idol.

2. Chicago Bears (11-2): Rexonerated! The quarterback controversy is settled for the time being, but news that Tommie Harris ruptured his hamstring flaccidized many a Monday Night erexion in Chicago.

3. Baltimore Ravens (10-3): The NFL is the league of parity, meaning that steadfast rules are few and far between. Luckily for fans and handicappers alike, there is one rule that never fails: Kansas City is a lock at home in December. Arrowhead Stadium in the twelfth month is impenetrable; a veritable Death Star for visiting teams. Well, Brian Billick just shot his proton torpedo straight up Herm Edwards’ thermal exhaust port. Quite an achievement considering that the opening is only two meters wide. Sources close to the Ravens said that the team spent the previous week practicing at Beggar’s Canyon.

4. New Orleans Saints (9-4): Drees is the only player worthy of MVP talk whose name is not LaDomlinson. Guess he’ll have to settle for Comeback Player of the Year. That, and a metric ton of oral sex from his hot blonde wife, Brittany.

5. Indianapolis Colts (10-3): It doesn’t matter how good Peyton Manning is as long as his defense continues to get gashed by runs more often than a stripper’s stockings.

6. New England Patriots (9-4): Clearly, three consecutive games against the NFC North will make you softer than Junior Seau’s forearm.

7. Cincinnati Bengals (8-5): Next week, Cincinnati travels to The Nap, where the Colts have been trampled like a soccer mom fighting through a Best Buy for the last PS3. If the Bengals want to hang on to their Wild Card lead, Rudi Johnson will have to become the greasy gamer who snaps her spine under the weight of his three-bill frame.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-5): 8.9 yards per rushing attempt! The Jaguars ran over Indy like Red Foreman ran over his Robocop henchman after he fell into an acid bath and got transformed into the Toxic Avenger.


9. Dallas Cowboys (8-5): The pundits are leaping from the Tomo bandwagon so quickly, they aren’t even waiting for it to stop. Sean Salisbury and Mark Schlereth were simultaneously tumbleweeded during their dismount and became tied together in an undecipherable knot of masculinity. They will henceforth travel through life as a single entity. They will be known by the name Shark Schlerbury, and will be hated by all. So sayeth the shower.

10. New York Giants (7-6): Congratulations to Tiki Barber, who eclipsed 10,000 career rushing yards during the Giants’ victory over the Lloyd Christmasless Carolina Panthers. This is clearly the most monumental feat ever achieved by someone named after a torch.

11. Philadelphia Eagles (7-6): The Eagles gained 150 fewer yards than the Washington Redskins. The Eagles held the ball for fifteen minutes and thirty seconds less than the Washington Redskins. The Eagles closed out the game by surrendering sixteen unanswered points to the Washington Redskins. The Eagles sill managed to beat the Washington Redskins. Look, I’m all for throwing the occasional game, but do it right. If you’re letting your daughter win a game of Connect Four, you don’t try to stalemate her until the end in order to maintain suspense! Too many things could go wrong. You could end up in a cat’s game or worse, you could accidentally win with the last chip and destroy her burgeoning identity. You hang in there just long enough to make your effort seem legitimate, then you tank it as quickly as possible. Andy Reid should learn to trust his gut. His big nasty Kids in the Hall gut.

12. Atlanta Falcons (7-6): That win was uglier than Tori Spelling and Carrot Top in a 69.

13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-6): Kansas City at home in December is the new Brett Favre at home in cold weather. Steve McNair & Co. have opened the floodgates, much like Mike Vick turned the tide on Favre’s mystique in the 2003 playoffs.

14. New York Jets (7-6): With the inside track on the AFC Wild Card, the New York Jets took the field and proceeded to get beat like a Sunday morning boner. At home. By Buffalo. Shall I continue or have all the Jet fans already off’d themselves?

15. Denver Broncos (7-6): What is the etiquette for re-switching quarterbacks? Is it similar to getting back together with an ex-girlfriend? You both make some concessions, float a few promises that you’ll change, then quickly strip off your clothes and bump uglies? Or is it more akin to trying to re-accept a New Years’ Eve party invitation that you already declined? You have to admit that you were holding out for something better, only it didn’t materialize, so now you have to humble yourself and beg forgiveness. We’ll know which way Shanahan goes if he has beard-burn on his neck when The Snake gets back under center.

16. Seattle Seahawks (8-5): Yes, their record is one game better than the previous six teams, but if you cannot beat the Arizona Cardinals with a division title on the line, you get booted from the Head of the Class faster than Howard Hessman. I like when I come across a reference that simultaneously dates me and outs me as harboring homosexual tendencies.

17. Miami Dolphins (6-7): If you play well enough to force Tom Brady from a game, then you have earned the distinction of being the best sub .500 team in all of football. In my mind, Jason Taylor just took home the Defensive Player of the Year award. This season, he has single-handedly defeated the unbeaten Chicago Bears and the streaking New England Patriots. Yet, that idiot Bob Kuechenberg claims that while Taylor could have played on the 1972 Dolphins, he would not have been a starter. Please! The instant Jason Taylor walked into that locker room, Don Shula would have glued his own lap and offered Taylor any position on the field.

18. Tennessee Titans (6-7): Vince Young has officially thrown his hat into the Offensive Rookie of the Year ring, joining Reggie Bush and Marquolston.

19. Minnesota Vikings (6-7): You can’t stop Artose Pinner. You can only hope to conta..wait. You can stop Artose Pinner. Only the Lions can’t stop Artose Pinner. The Vikings earned a victory over the worst team in the league and retained their own title as the worst team still in playoff contention.

20. Buffalo Bills (6-7): Following the biggest win in his short tenure with Buffalo, head coach “Limp” Dick Jauron made the following observation: “It's not very often, in an NFL game, you see a player sitting on the bench eating a sandwich.” Keep up the good work, Dick.

21. Carolina Panthers (6-7): John Fox, they say you’re a pretty smart guy. So tell me something: How is it a good idea to have Chris Weinke throw 61 times? That should be a three-game total. I wouldn’t allow Chris Weinke to throw 61 times in a pick up game if he was the all-time quarterback! He came into the game at 1-15 as a starter, and you made him the focal point of the offense. There is no excuse for this. I don’t care if your running backs couldn’t get it done. Run the direct snap to Steve Smith every play.

22. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-7): The Steelers showed that they can still hold serve at home against a tomato can like the Cleveland Browns. Nevertheless, they have about as much chance of reprising their Super Bowl appearance as Janet Jackson’s purple pepperoni.

23. St. Louis Rams (5-8): Headline: Rams Get Hesterectomy

24. Green Bay Packers (5-8): I love that Favre insists on giving Donald Driver a fireman’s carry off the field every time he scores. It actually looked like Driver was trying to get out of it following his 68-yard touchdown reception. But, he soon relented was carried away on the shoulders of a giddy Brett Favre. Favre is kind of like your five-year-old nephew who pretends to punch you, and finds it hilarious when you overreact and flail around. So he continues to fake punch you approximately 89 times a minute, with no consideration for the fact that it stopped being fun for you a long time ago. On Sunday, Donald Driver looked like the weary uncle. When he finally relented, he had an expression on his face like, “Well, he’ll be gone soon enough. I guess it won’t hurt to humor him.” Exactly how I felt on Thanksgiving.

25. San Francisco ***** (5-8): San Francisco’s football team failed to provide anything of interest. Therefore, here is an interesting tidbit: Many people believe that Jerry Garcia is the most influential musician to come out of San Francisco. In fact, it is Huey Lewis, whose music has led to the extraction of information from more than 600 Afghani terror suspects.

26. Washington Redskins (4-9): Speaking of J’s named Garcia, the Redskins gave it up to Jeff Garcia and his mates on Sunday. His teammates, people! On the bright side, Antwaan Randle El threw a 40-yard pass to Brandon Lloyd, a play which cost the Redskins roughly $6.5 Million.

27. Houston Texans (4-9): While Reggie Bush was scoring the tenth touchdown of his rookie campaign, Vince Young was celebrating a homecoming victory, and Mario Williams was reflecting on a three-tackle effort for the Texans. This is easily the worst personnel decision since NBC picked Jay over Dave.

28. Cleveland Browns (4-9): 1.9 yards per rush attempt. I’d classify that as strong-to-quite-strong. Would you be any less efficient in the run game if Derek Anderson just ran a QB sneak in every running situation? Can someone try this on Madden and get back to me?

29. Arizona Cardinals (4-9): If Arizona keeps winning, there’s a very good chance that Denny Green may be asked to come back to lead the ’07 Cardinals to the Promised Land. Pshaa, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-10): The Bucs haven’t scored a touchdown since the first quarter of week twelve. They’re just 4 quarters away from a scoring drought that would make A.C. Green take note.

31. Oakland Raiders (2-11): Following his team’s sixth loss in as many tries, Oakland Raiders’ head coach Art Shell had the following observation: “We need a win badly.” Keep up the good work, Art.

32. Detroit Lions (2-11): After the game, Lions tackle Jeff Backus was asked about reuniting with former Michigan teammates Tom Brady and Steve Hutchinson in consecutive weeks. He responded, “I'm jealous of those guys. They've been able to have success and enjoy their careers. What fun is there in losing every week?" If I am a Lions fan, I spend this entire week organizing a gigantic flash mob of torch-wielders for a Frankenstein march on Matt Millen’s office. It has officially gotten to that point.