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  1. #1
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    Soap opera at Rams Park has big-screen possibilities

    By Bryan Burwell
    ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
    Monday, Oct. 31 2005

    It's confession time. I must admit that because I've been so preoccupied with
    all the skullduggery and occasional comic nonsense that has gone on behind the
    scenes at Rams Park, I finally realize how I've woefully miscast this mischief
    as some nutty soap opera.

    How limiting and shortsighted it was to think only small screen. What we have
    here is a full-blown cinematic extravaganza. I know this, of course, because
    when taking time off from my main role as the notorious MOP (man of the
    people), I have dabbled in the Hollywood scene, so I do know a good script when
    I see one. My only dilemma is sorting through all the proper titles and obvious
    story lines. How do we choose from such a plentiful harvest? For example, here
    are just a few scripts that have come across my desk:

    "Gone in Sixty Seconds" A clever whodunit. This mystery revolves
    around what might have happened to the name plate on Mike Martz's office door
    after he announced he was taking an indefinite medical leave.

    "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
    In this madcap comedy, less than two
    weeks after seriously contemplating the dizzy prospect of hiring 153-year-old
    Marv Levy to act as interim head coach, Rams executives now strut around the
    Rams Park hallways whistling Joe Vitt's name as if it was actually their idea
    to give him the job.

    "Three Men and a Baby"
    -- It's a comedy. It's a tragedy. It's a
    mystery. You know all the names. You figure out who's who. The author goes by
    the pseudonym "J-Z."

    In case you haven't noticed, we have lots of movie references popping up all
    over the place. Last week, interim head coach Joe Vitt used a clip from "The
    Gladiator" to inspire the troops, and it helped produce an upset victory over
    Jacksonville. This week, as Vitt moved into his fourth week in his new job, we
    discovered this untitled treatment:

    ACT I, SCENE I - Two middle-aged football coaches are sitting in wheelchairs in
    a cold and windy hospital hallway. They are in flimsy hospital gowns with the
    tails fluttering in the wind, waiting to be wheeled into an examination room to
    get prodded and probed by a bunch of strangers.

    Joe Vitt speaks, shaking his head slowly, snickering snidely: "At
    six o'clock this morning, (Martz) and I are in our gowns sitting in
    wheelchairs, looking like grumpy old men. What a sore sight that was."

    ACT I, SCENE II - A clever reporter walks into the scene disguised as an ugly
    nurse, attempting to eavesdrop on the conversation. He plants a very
    unobtrusive microphone into the frame of Vitt's wheelchair and wears spy
    glasses with a hidden camera in the frame to record the two old men conversing,
    hoping to use the speech as another inspirational message for the players at a
    later date. With apologies to Harold Ramis, the conversation begins with one
    grumpy old man telling the other one that the dirty rotten scoundrels have won
    the behind-the-scenes struggle for his job:

    Vitt: War's over, Mike. John Shaw dropped the big one.

    Martz: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it
    is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

    Nurse: Germans?

    Vitt: Forget it; he's rolling.

    Martz: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough
    ... (thinks hard) ... the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
    Arrgggggh!

    (He rolls down the hallway, alone, then returns.)

    Martz: What the @#$% happened to the Joe Vitt I used to know?
    Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you
    Mike, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my butt from now on! Not me! I'm
    not gonna take this. Shaw, he's a dead man! Zygmunt, dead! Samir...

    Vitt: Dead! Mike's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta
    take these creeps. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that
    could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out.
    I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid
    gesture be done on somebody's part ...

    Mike, when we come back from the bye week, I want you by my side in Seattle.
    I'm putting you in charge of referee challenges. Here, you hold on to my red
    flag. ...


  2. #2
    HUbison's Avatar
    HUbison is online now Superbowl MVP
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    Re: Soap opera at Rams Park has big-screen possibilities

    Quote Originally Posted by Burwell
    Martz: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it
    is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
    Hmm, John Belushi (God rest his soul) as Martz.....I don't know, I'm still thinking Jimmy Kimmel as Martz. But anyway, from Burwell what can you expect?

    Hey Brian, I think I heard that Barry Bonds was going to the bathroom today, you better get right on that for your next report.
    "Before the gates of excellence the high gods have placed sweat; long is the road thereto and rough and steep at first; but when the heights are reached, then there is ease, though grievously hard in the winning." --- Hesiod

  3. #3
    AvengerRam's Avatar
    AvengerRam is offline Moderator Emeritus
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    Re: Soap opera at Rams Park has big-screen possibilities

    All I can say for Burwell is... don't quit your day job.

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