ClanRam Fan Training Camp: The Latest in surReality Shows

With the new season underway, it’s time to look at a woefully overlooked part of the pre-season - training camp. No, not that training camp. But fan training camp. No longer is it simply enough to study the draft picks, the free agent acquisitions, the salary cap. Rather it’s time to figure out how to prepare for another long season of fan trials and tribulations.

The trials vary from fan to fan over a full season. It can come from figuring out where you misplaced your game tickets the prior night at the ClanRam Bash to deciding which tailgate party to crash. It can come from having to decide when to take the next p--- break so as not to miss any game play. There will be critical decision-making moments like deciding which front yard to pay $20 to park in in order to get to your seat in time.

To sharpen up for those moments, fan training camp is essential to an injury free season. Presented below are some of the drills to be encountered (none of which are specifically endorsed by ClanRam Inc). Some relevant drills include the Kid Push-ups. When competing with 40-year-olds with BO for Holt’s autograph, upper body strength is critical for getting that ink on your new throwback jersey. Repeatedly pushing your kid above your head will prep you for shoving to the front of the line with the kid under arm all the while screaming, “its for the kid, its for the kid.”

Another critical component of limbering up are the Jumping Jack Flashes. The routine basically consists of pouring shots of JD. Alternating hands, the fan grabs a shot, swigs it, and then jumps up in the air, raised finger pumping, shouting “we’re No.1, we’re No.1.” Now this may seem nonsensical so early in the season, but if you’re a guy, you’d rather your voice broke now into a shrill high-pitched sound on the sixth shot, rather than in front of your so-called friends who’ll slam you mercilessly after. Prepare those vocal chords now. At some point, you’re going to have to try and out-shout some fortywhiner who’s ventured into the Ed. You’ll need calluses on those vocal chords. Now’s the time to start.

Add to this Hearing Sensitivity Training. Much of one’s season might be devoted to listening to colour commentators, sportscasters, or broadcast journalists on TV or radio. They will probably be saying things that just seem completely out of touch with reality. You could control this by turning off the sound. But this might annoy some of your viewing partners. So in order to steel a fan properly, ClanRam Fan Training Camp offers the Chalkboard Dental Drill. For two-minute stretches, a fan will sit in a beer-stained recliner, subjected to alternating 7.1 surround sounds. On one hand, will be the highly refined tonal pitch of the dental drill. Imagine if you will, the sound of a drill whirring its gears to penetrate enamel and then downshifting into the soft tissue of a penetrated root canal. On the other, will be the elegant sound of finely manicured nails drawn slowly, gratingly, across the finely textured black chrome of the chalkboard. Over and over again. After this, one will be well attuned to endure the shrill banalities spewed by various TV and radio personalities over the course of a long season.

By now you might think you have had enough. I don’t blame you. It’s an acquired taste. But remember, it’s a long season. And building endurance is part of the key to surviving it. Thus, another key to surviving it is will be convenient memory. To facilitate cultivating convenient memory displays, ClanRam Fan Training Camp offers the Memory Lapse_idasical Exercise. This exercise consists of repeating denials or changing the subject when one tries to remind you of contradictory positions you held the previous season. For instance, the first time you yell what a bum Linehan is and one of your friends reminds you that you were calling for Martz’s head the last few years, you quickly retort that Linehan wasn’t your first choice. On the other hand, the first time Jackson rushes for 200 yards in a game, you spring quickly to stake out the position that you were advocating that Faulk be phased out the first time he couldn’t finish a full season. You will have to have both a long memory and a short memory. In other words, a convenient one. Participating in Fan Training Camp will help you sharpen or dull it as circumstance requires.

Also demonstrated at camp will be ClanOrwellian Double Speak. Participating fans will be expected to utter statements they don’t mean and not mean what they do say. How else will an ardent fan be able to expect to get out of a road game in Philly safely? You think trying to get McNabb off his game by yelling something endearing about his mother and Campbell’s soup will prevent your kid from watching his dad getting an asss-whupping from charming Philly Fans? Not likely. The best way to ensure that your kid will grow up to make the same mistake of choosing non-water-soluble face paint as you did, is to practice making innocuous statements in hostile environments. This is the essence of double speak. Say one thing, mean the opposite. Learn it. Practice it. Survive the road trip.

Finally, what would ClanRan Fan Training Camp be without a couple of sessions practicing the Internet Shoot-the-Crap Technique? In order to navigate a season successfully, one will have to acquire the skills of reading a lot of clap trap, filtering the wheat from the chaff, allocating rep points and making it the bane of someone’s existence, and forgiving yourself when you spent your precious time doing something you wish you hadn’t. Like reading to the end of this for instance. Welcome to the pre-season. Welcome to the latest in surReality programming. Welcome to Fan Training Camp.

The convenient memory is very useful when arguing a point. You can change opinions and directions in a flash.

The ClanOrwellian double speak is a good thing to practice. It can get you out of trouble and confuse the opponents. I might have to use some of this logic with my fantasy league. :)

No matter how much I practice, I don't think I will make it through listening to the tv announcers for a whole game. I usually have to hit the mute button to stop myself from cussing at my tv.

Funny stuff as usual Adarian.

Nice article adarian. LOL

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How else will an ardent fan be able to expect to get out of a road game in Philly safely?

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It's best to yell while running in reverse in hostel environments.

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Also demonstrated at camp will be ClanOrwellian Double Speak

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I've already taken this class and have been practicing.

Check this out......

"All fans are created equal...except Ram fans...who are more equal than others.":D

Great article dude...keep 'em coming!

Utterly;Rammin'68;Yo,Dude:

The fact you folks took a moment to acknowledge you read through the piece should have been answered sooner.