Before the Miller Man Laws, there were the Ram Laws. They have been recently rediscovered and some have been transcribed. This is their tale. A tale of the Elder Scrolls of Ram Law. A tale of the commandments of Rams’ football. The scrolls are not complete, but they are a starting point. A starting point that offers lessons from Rams’ history.
Before discussing them here is the Scroll’s provenance and how the Scrolls came to the Clan. Me and boys were intending to take in the 2006 ClanRam Bash. It would’va been a nice continuation of the Sturgis Rally through the Burning Man Festival in the Black Rock Desert. Three miles east of Sturgis on Highway 34 is the Buffalo Chip Campgrounds. It was a Thursday evening and the James Gang was riding again with Joe Walsh, Jimmy Fox and Dale Peters.
Someone asked if I wanted a pipe. You might turn down a tatoo in Sturgis, but it just wasn’t neighborly to turn down a pipe. Strangely enough, the darn thing looked like a horn. I wasn’t getting a good draw and I discovered that some parchment paper was clogging up the stem – apparently some wisenheimer thought the paper could serve as some sort of filter. Well, lo and behold, I saw writing on the parchment piece and recognized some names. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that the Ram Laws might have been archived somewhere at the Buffalo Chip Campgrounds. Woody, the owner, is a recovering lawyer.
I’m not positive who did the editorializing – but here they are …
1. THOU WILL NOT COACH LIKE HUGO BEZDEK. (2-13 with the Cleveland Rams before being let go, Hugo epitomized the headlong rush into rebuilding before rebuilding became a fashionable excuse.)
2. THOU WILL SHOW THE VERSATILITY OF A ’45 BOB WATERFIELD. (Threw and ran for 19 TDs in 10 games in 1945. Punted, kicked PATs and added a FG and 6 INTs for good measure. Oh … and won a championship to boot.)
3. WHEN THOU ASPIRES TO BE A DB, THOU WILL EMULATE THE TALENTS OF A ’52 NIGHT TRAIN LANE. (14 INTS, 2 for TDs, and a tackling ferocity that could draw blood through the eyeballs.)
4. WHEN THOU ADOPTS A PASSING GAME, THOU SHALL PASS DOWNFIELD LIKE A ’54 VAN BROCKLIN. (At almost 19 yards per completion, WRs will give back part of their bonus money to ensure that QBs stay away from the smell of the West Coast offense.)
5. WHEN THOU CHOOSES TO BE A DE, THOU WILL BECOME A DISCIPLE OF THE MINISTER OF DEFENSE – THE DEACON JONES. (When a league outlaws a pass rushing technique, you know you have arrived at the ministry of D.)
6. WHEN THOU CHOOSES THE PATH OF LINEBACKER, THOU WILL BE WELL SERVED TO FOLLOW THE FOOTSTEPS OF JACK REYNOLDS. (Attitude cannot be measured through statistics. Those who saw him play know he had a passion for the game that should always be part of Rams’ lore.)
7. WHEN THOU COVETS TO PROTECT FRAIL, OVER-HYPED QBs, THOU SHALL LEARN THE WAY OF JACKIE SLATER.
8. WHEN RUNNING OVER, THROUGH, AND AROUND DEFENDERS, THOU SHALL BECOME AN AMALGAM OF MOTLEY, BETTIS, DICKERSON & FAULK.
9. WHEN THOU ASCRIBES TO SHOW HUMILITY IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, THOU WILL NOT BE POORLY SERVED BY MIRRORING THE WORKS OF KURT WARNER.
Another one that was partially deciphered said something about “REVEREND CRAZY LEGS”. Translators are still working on it. It is clear that the scrolls are not complete. Hopefully the rest will surface soon. ‘Cuz as the adage goes, those who do not learn from the past, are condemned to repeat it.