Distraught Eli Manning Says New Bride Tried to Touch His Pee-Pee Place
A hopelessly distraught Eli Manning called home to his parents this morning from his honeymoon, crying that his bride had attempted to touch his “down theres” in hopes of consummating the young marriage.
“Mommy! Abby tried to touch me in my no-no place!” wailed Elisha. “I told her ‘No!’ and blew the whistle that you gave me, but she got mad and wouldn’t stop trying to put her hands on my pee-pee.”
The Super Bowl-winning quarterback married his longtime girlfriend, Abby McGrew, some two weeks ago and the couple has been traveling and relaxing since. But it wasn’t until this morning that any sparks flew in the bedroom.
“Eli has always played hard to get,” says McGrew, who met her husband at Ole Miss. “I remember the first time I put lingerie on for him, back in college. He got all excited and said I reminded him of Wonder Woman. Then he got out his comics, made a fort on his bed out of sheets, and we read them all night long by flashlight.”
Manning has long said McGrew is his best friend and that he wanted to spend his whole life with her.
“Most girls have cooties. But not Abby,” Eli said in an interview before the wedding. “She’s really neat. And she has really big, soft boobies. Just like my mommy. I like to lay my head on them when I get sad or if I get an owey.”
It now appears that Eli and the now Mrs. Abby Manning had different ideas of what their marriage would be.
“I was having a great time since the wedding, and then she had to start touching my pee-pee,” said Manning. “No one is allowed to touch that but me! Or maybe my mom or dad or gramma if they are giving me a bath! But that’s it! All I wanted was to cuddle up with her in bed and watch Thundercats.”
Abby Manning admits she misinterpreted Eli’s intentions.
“He climbed on the bed and started growling,” she said. “I thought he was coming on to me. I thought it was my chance to finally consummate our relationship, or at least get to first base. Turns out he was just pretending to be his favorite Thundercat – Cheetara.”
Once Abby started plunging her hands inside Eli’s Thundercat pajamas, he yelled at her to stop, blew his whistle – and then doesn’t remember much else.
“I kept saying ‘No’ and pushing her hand away, but then my wee-wee started getting all tingly,” he said. “And I think I passed out. When I woke up, Abby was asleep and my privates were all sticky. I don’t know what the heck happened. I think maybe a Thundercat threw up on them. My kitten Snow Princess used to throw up all the time when she ate tissues.”
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