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Thread: Not again, T.O.!?!?
Not again, T.O.!?!?
October 4, 2006
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Motionless, Unresponsive Terrell Owens Probably Just Faking It
Media members, teammates and coaches were not sure how to react this morning when they walked into the Cowboys locker room to find Terrell Owens laying on the floor, motionless and unresponsive, with an empty bottle of painkillers at his side.
“Oh, man, not this again,” said Dallas Morning News beat writer Jack Richards, lightly kicking at the receiver’s ribs. “Terrell, Terrell? Are you just screwing around or what? If you OD’d again just move your hand. And if you’re dead, well ... I guess just keep laying there like you’re dead.”
ESPN reporter Ed Werder was the next to happen upon Owens’s lifeless corpse.
“I’m steering clear of this until I get some sort of confirmation,” he said to those who began to gather in the room to take a look at Owens. “I wasted an entire day last week tracking down a story that was full of nothing but contradiction and misinformation. Sure, to my untrained eye it looks like he’s a goner since it appears that significant rigor mortis has set in, but I’m not speaking a word about this on-air until all the facts are in. I refuse to get strung along by another media-fueled Terrell Owens drama. If someone figures out what the deal is, give me a call. I’ll be back at my hotel room.”
With Werder and other press people on their way out of the locker room with Owens still prone on the floor, Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells came into the room to see what the commotion was all about – and stepped directly into a pool of urine and feces that were released from the receiver’s bowels.
“Oh, jeez, come on. This is ridiculous,” said Parcells. “Look, don’t you people badger me with questions about something I know nothing about. I’m not a doctor. And I did not speak to the player. I did read a copy of the suicide note the player left in my office last night, but I didn’t speak to him. So you probably know more than I do. Now if you have any football questions, I’m here to answer them. No? Well then I’m out of here then,” Parcells added, angrily stepping over Owens’s body on the way to his office.
After Parcells left, those remaining in the locker room began to wonder if perhaps they should call someone to check on Owens in case he wasn’t faking the suicide attempt for attention.
“Maybe the guy really is depressed and that last time was a cry for help,” said Richards.
“Nah, Terrell loves himself too much to kill himself,” replied a Cowboys staffer, rifling through the receiver’s wallet as he talked. “I suppose there’s a chance he’s just overcompensating for a low self-esteem, though, who knows. I say we got get some work done, and if he’s still laying there when we come back after lunch, we call his publicist to see if she can determine whether he is alive or dead. Sound good?”
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