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  1. #1
    HUbison's Avatar
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    The reasons each NFL team won't win the SB.

    From FOX sports.... The reasons each NFL team won't win the SB.

    NFC
    East Division


    Dallas Cowboys: We're not sure if he's the best quarterback named Drew on this team, but Drew Bledsoe has been hired to start behind center.
    Even if the Dallas defense is less doomed than last year, the Cowboys won't win it all because Bledsoe holds the ball longer than Kobe Bryant.


    New York Giants: This is the year franchise savior Eli Manning shows the world he's a better quarterback than his older brother. His older brother named Cooper Manning.

    Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles, who seem poised to win it all, will fade after quarterback Donovan McNabb goes out for the season with hurt feelings. The culprit figures to be messianic receiver Terrell Owens. You may recall that the tragically under-compensated T.O. sort of compared himself to Jesus.
    At least the Eagles are training in Bethlehem, Pa.


    Washington Redskins: NASCAR-connected Joe Gibbs wrecks his second year back in D.C. by failing to remove the restrictor plate from QB Patrick Ramsey.

    North Division


    Chicago Bears: The alleged salvation of a rotten offense is rookie running back Cedric Benson. Cedric, a former Texas Longhorn, has attempted to sidestep comparisons to Ricky Williams.
    At press time, Ricky was in camp and Cedric was not.


    Detroit Lions: While waiting to see if injury-prone Charles Rogers follows through on plans to star in a reality series called Pimp My Gurney, Joey Harrington flops at quarterback.
    The Lions turn to former ***** star Jeff Garcia. Even though ex-teammate Terrell Owens may have his doubts, Garcia isn't gay.

    He just can't pass straight.


    Green Bay Packers: A defense already assessed as weak overall, is doomed by a secondary featuring a hybrid that will be known as the "shot-down corner."

    Minnesota Vikings: With coach Mike Tice busted for scalping tickets, many of his players will refuse to take him at face value.

    South Division


    Atlanta Falcons: After watching Michael Vick risk his health on highlight-reel packages, the world eventually will learn that longevity for great legs is limited to Tina Turner.

    Carolina Panthers: Super Bowl triumph is not prepared to attach itself to a team whose alleged top steroid fiend was the ex-punter.

    New Orleans Saints: The letter to follow in the Big Easy is D-plus ... that's the grade many experts have assigned to the Saints' linebacking corps.

    Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Another disappointing season will determine whether or not Jon Gruden is worthy of as many spin-offs as the original Chucky.

    West Division


    Arizona Cardinals: No team playing its home games on the surface of the sun has ever won a Super Bowl.

    St. Louis Rams: If the Rams reach Detroit, coach Mike Martz might burn all of his timeouts just to watch Super Bowl ads on a TV monitor.


    San Francisco *****: Instead of the Super Bowl, they're committed to winning the D'Brickashaw Ferguson sweepstakes.

    Seattle Seahawks: Jittery-handed receivers will inspire the creation of a regional coffee selection known as decatch.

    AFC
    East Division


    Buffalo Bills: Quarterback J.P. Losman attempted five real passes during his rookie season. He will learn that reading defense on film and reading them in a game is not unlike switching from Dr. Seuss to James Joyce.
    For the record, don't miss "The Cat in Finnegan's Hat."


    Miami Dolphins: Even though Ricky Williams' mind is an alleged drug-free environment, the key to victory is rookie RB Ronnie Brown.
    Ronnie, who teamed up with Carnell "Cadillac" Williams at Auburn, is working with "VW Bus" Williams in South Florida.


    New England Patriots: This has nothing to do with the absences of Charlie Weis, Romeo Crennel and Tedy Bruschi.
    The excuse for the Pats' potential slip is karma; it's about time that someone backed this karma over Tom Brady's foot.


    New York Jets: Chad Pennington has reminded us it's a privilege to cover the Jets. Unless Chad picks it up a little, I'm covering them with a sheet.


    North Division

    Baltimore Ravens: Well, Jamal Lewis had his breakout season two years ago, and QB Kyle Boller's passing inaccuracy could even lead to rebellion from a Frisbee-catching dog.

    Cincinnati Bengals: The offense should be dandy, but the defense needs at least one more starter named Johnson.

    Cleveland Browns: The Brownies are on a downward cycle ... we're pretty sure it was a Honda.

    Pittsburgh Steelers: A civilian has had success impersonating Ben Roethlisberger, but Ben won't be able to impersonate the Roethlisberger of 2004.

    South Division

    Houston Texans: I've only written about 12 lines that qualify as worse than those the Texans trot out on both sides of the ball.

    Indianapolis Colts: The offense is remarkable, but the best linebacker in town is Ron Artest.

    Jacksonville Jaguars: The defense may be good enough, but key running back Fred Taylor has spent more career time in street clothes than has Divine Brown.

    Tennessee Titans: The assimilation of offensive coordinator Norm Chow would go more smoothly if his playbook had a Cliff Notes version.

    West Division

    Denver Broncos: The defensive line is gunning for help from Triple-A Cleveland, but QB Jake Plummer still has the pocket presence of lint.

    Kansas City Chiefs: If free-agent defenders don't live up to billing, the head coach will be referred to as Ick Vermeil.

    Oakland Raiders: Defense is shifting from 3-4 to 4-3. With Randy Moss on offense, team will shift from 7-9 to 9-7.

    San Diego Chargers: They'll be good, but coach Marty Schottenheimer has been even more overmatched in January than your Visa statement.

    "Before the gates of excellence the high gods have placed sweat; long is the road thereto and rough and steep at first; but when the heights are reached, then there is ease, though grievously hard in the winning." --- Hesiod

  2. #2
    HUbison's Avatar
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    Re: The reasons each NFL team won't win the SB.

    I believe it is intended as more humor than analysis, so read it with a smile.
    Detroit Lions: While waiting to see if injury-prone Charles Rogers follows through on plans to star in a reality series called Pimp My Gurney, Joey Harrington flops at quarterback.
    The Lions turn to former ***** star Jeff Garcia. Even though ex-teammate Terrell Owens may have his doubts, Garcia isn't gay.

    He just can't pass straight.
    I thought these two were both pretty funny.
    "Before the gates of excellence the high gods have placed sweat; long is the road thereto and rough and steep at first; but when the heights are reached, then there is ease, though grievously hard in the winning." --- Hesiod

  3. #3
    OldRams fan is offline Registered User
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    Thumbs down Re: The reasons each NFL team won't win the SB.

    Thats one funny thread ...WOW Its funny how the slanted truth can be so funny
    great thread ! !
    :clanram: Being a RAMS fan is a way of life :clanram:

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