1. San Francisco: Maurice Clarett, RB, Ohio State
Football is about entertainment. Clarett is the most talked about prospect, so he must be the most entertaining.
2. Miami: Ricky Williams, RB, Texas
My sources tell me that Nick Saban said he would consider putting Williams on the roster, so he's the logical choice.
3. Cleveland: Eric Crouch, QB, Nebraska
They need a QB, and Crouch is a Heisman Trophy winner, according to Google.
4. Chicago: Jarrett Payton, RB, Miami
Google also told me that Payton's father was once a Bear.
5. TampaBay: Lance Armstrong, Cyclist, USA
Will help with team stamina.
6. Tennessee: Cooper Manning, QB
If Peyton and Eli can make it, why not brother Cooper?
7. Minnesota: Kate Moss, WR, Hollywood
When I asked Mike Tice who they'd draft, he said "we really need another Moss."
8. Arizona: Brenda Warner, Team Nurse, Missouri
Little known clause in Kurt Warner's contract requires this.
9. Washington Redskins, Atari Bigby, SS, Central Florida
My sources assure me that the Skins are targeting "that DB with the name that comes from video games."
10. Detroit: Carmine Ragusa, DE, Milwaukee
I've heard they're looking at the big hitter from Wisconsin.
11. Dallas: Charles Haley, DE
Cowboys need someone in the mold of a Charles Haley.
12. San Diego (from N.Y.Giants): Aaron Rogers, QB, California
With only Drew Brees and Phillip Rivers on the roster, depth at QB is a must.
13. Houston: Roger Clemens, P, Texas
Someone told me he'd be back in Houston.
14. Carolina: Michael Jordan, G, North Carolina
They like to go with best athlete available strategy.
15. Kansas City: Rosey Grier, DT, Retired
Will cap off Vermiel press conferences with stirring rendition of Its alright to cry.
16. New Orleans: Barry Bonds, San Francisco
The Head Coach shouldn't be the only steriod user on the team.
17. Cincinnati: Gordon "Venus Flytrap" Sims, DJ, WKRP
Local product stays home.
18. Minnesota: Carrie-Ann Moss, The Matrix
Can never have too many players named Moss.
19. St. Louis: Matt Jones, OT, Arkansas
Jones, the QB who became a WR/TE, will play RT for the Rams.
20. Dallas (from Buffalo): Jerry Jones, Jr.
21. Jacksonville: Trade Pick for New Logo
That thing doesn't even look like a Jaguar.
22. Baltimore: Cal Ripken, Jr.
Very durable player.
23. Seattle: Steve Young, QB, BYU
Desparately want a player who has actually beaten the Rams.
24. Green Bay: Brett Favre, QB, Georgia
Seems like best way to ensure that he'll play a few more years.
25. Denver: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Marketing campaign will revolve around "The Two Jakes" theme.
26. New York Jets: Bennie Malone, RB
B-B-B-Benie and the Jets!
27. San Diego: Nobody
They've picked enough players for now.
28. Indianapolis: Stockard Channing, WR
Manning-to-Channing combo will be the stuff of legend.
29. Atlanta: Michael Vick, QB, Va.Tech
Could be the next Michael Vick.
30. Pittsburgh: Emmanuel Lewis, O line
Every time I talk to a Steeler fan, they always tell me that the O line has not been the same since they lost Webster.
31. Philadelphia: Terrell Owens, WR
The only player TO is willing to share the ball with.
32. New England: William Clinton, Arkansas
Team of famous cheaters get most famous one of all.