Comedy Central

[viper]

Sometimes you just need a little more humor in your life. Use this thread to post tidbits of humor that come your way. We all get them. Maybe we can laugh our way through the offseason.

I'll get it started:

The Original Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics.
These great questions and answers are from the days when
game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[viper]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bull******** me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Chiledog]

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

----

[MOM]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge 7-foot wide heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[RamDez]

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he
passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the
Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same
rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give
the
Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again,
but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go.
One
hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you
think that represents a hundred!"


Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So
now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree
and a turd, dat makes one hundred....

[RamDez]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and
logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye" "Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a garden."

"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I do have a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a femily."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Aye, I dae have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
that because I have a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"

Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"

"No."

"Then you're a poof." :O

[RamDez]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”



So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

[RamDez]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there
he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection,
comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

"You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then
leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He
enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench
and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist
colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can
keep the £500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 58 years old. I get an erection once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

[RamDez]

guy goes into the doctors and says "doctor, I think I'm going deaf" - doc asks "what's the symptoms?" guy replys "a cartoon family with yellow heads"

[MOM]

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[MOM]

POSITION:
>Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
>
>JOB DESCRIPTION:
>Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often
>chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and
>organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will
>include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some
>overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on
>rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel
>expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
>
>RESPONSIBILITIES:
>The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily,
>until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also,
>must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from
>zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from
>the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
>stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously
>sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
>calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must
>have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages
>and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an
>embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of
>a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must
>always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final,
>complete accountability for the quality of the
> end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
> janitorial work throughout the facility.
>
>POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
>Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
>without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so
>that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
>
>PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
>None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually
>exhausting basis.
>
>WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
>Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon
>payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college
>will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them
>whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is
that
>you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
>
>BENEFITS:
>While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement,
>no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
>limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you
>play your cards right.

[MOM]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
>pounding on the door.
>
>The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing
>in
>the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
>Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
>He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
>"Who was that?" asked his wife.
>"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>"Did you help him?" she asks.
>"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
>"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. Can't you remember
about
>
>three
>months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
>"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
>The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
>
>rain.
>He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>"Yes," comes back the answer.
>"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>"Where are you?" asks the husband.
>"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[MOM]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the
>good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
>difference.
>
>Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:
> I. started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
>
> 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
>
> 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
apart.
>
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
> 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
>
> 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
>
> 6. If all is not lost, where is it?
>
> 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
>
> 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
>
> 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
>
> 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
>
> 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
>
> 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
>
> 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're
> in the bathroom.
>
> 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
my
> knees.
>
> 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide
> to play chess?
>
> 16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
>
> 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
>
> 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter.
> I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm
> here after.
>
> 19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU
> OR NOT!
>
> 20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...

[MOM]

THE FISHING TRIP
>
>A man calls home to his wife and says, " Honey I have been asked to go
>fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
>
>We'll be gone for a week.
>
>This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
>wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out
>my rod and tackle box?
>
>We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
>things up.
>
>Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas....."
>
>The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she
>does exactly what her husband asked.
>
>The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise
looking
>good.
>
>The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
>
>He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue Gill and a few Pike.
>
>But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to
>do?"
>
>The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box

[AvengerRam]

These two Irish guys walk into a bar...


It could happen!