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Thread: Comedy Central

  1. #16
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    Re: Comedy Central

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    CAMERON: Mommy?

    This space for rent...

  2. #17
    AvengerRam's Avatar
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    Re: Comedy Central

    Superman is flying over a city when he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on top of a building. She seems not only to be asleep, but by her movements she is apparently having an erotic dream.

    Unable to control himself, Superman swoops down and, at super speed, satisfies his carnal urge.

    Wonder Woman opens her eyes and exclaims, "what was that?"

    The invisible man responds, "I don't know, but suddenly my a$$ really hurts!"

  3. #18
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    Re: Comedy Central

    Five Stages of Drinking

    LEVEL 1:
    It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

    LEVEL 2:
    It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

    LEVEL 3:
    One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."

    LEVEL 4:
    Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."

    LEVEL 5:
    Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"
    This space for rent...

  4. #19
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    Re: Comedy Central

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

    Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!” they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe the could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breath," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

    Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."

    "What!?"

    "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... err.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

    "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. “Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 – Hamsters - 10 bucks
    1 – Cage - 20 bucks
    Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks

    Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's wacker… Priceless
    This space for rent...

  5. #20
    RammieGirl Guest

    Re: Comedy Central

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
    dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies
    sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the
    anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

    The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave
    man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

    So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show
    the doctor which tooth hurts."

  6. #21
    RammieGirl Guest

    Re: Comedy Central

    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
    everyone inside dies. They get to meet their maker, and because of the
    grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each
    before they enter Paradise.

    They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

    "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.


    The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous,
    too."

    Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

    This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
    last guy in line starts laughing.

    When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
    laughing his butt off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what
    his wish will be.

    The guy calms down and says, "Make 'em all ugly again!!!"

  7. #22
    MOM's Avatar
    MOM
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    Re: Comedy Central

    Dear tide:
    I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used
    it all through my married
    life,as my mom always told me,it's the best.

    Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact,about a
    month ago,I spilled some on
    my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
    berate me about how clumsy
    I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led
    to another and I somehow
    ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get
    the stain out using a
    bargain detergent,but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to
    the supermarket,I
    purchased a bottle of liquid tide with bleach alternative and to my
    surprise,all the stains
    came out! In fact all the stains came out so well the detectives who
    came by yesterday told
    me the dna tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called
    me and said I would
    no longer be considered a suspect in my husband's disappearance. What a
    relief! Going thru
    menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
    I thank you,once again,for having such a great product.
    Well,gotta go. I have to write a letter to the hefty bag people.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.stickershoppe.com/mm5/graphics/00000001/MLRPANCmini.jpg[/SIGPIC]This is for Randy! GO BRM!

  8. #23
    RammieGirl Guest

    Re: Comedy Central

    Feeling Good

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

    Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

    Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

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