Football as a Religion
Note: This is humor, not meant to offend anyone. Being Pentecostal, I take my beliefs seriously, but I still think this is funny...
Most fans can't pass up a Sunday without tuning in at least one game. To those who do not understand, I give you this:
Football as a Religion - the Basics
1. There are at least 33 distinct denominatons, one for each team, and a general congregation. Thirty-two of these groups are divided further by belief (AFC or NFC), and by regions. Each regional group consists of four denominations, who all have some dislike for each other, even though they do sometimes support other congregations when it benefits thier own.
2. Every Sunday during the season, you will find interdenominational meetings taking place. One is an evening service. Mondays are for special interdenominational meetings.
3.The U.S. Supreme Court has declared that employers must allow employees to attend religious services. Since the attending or watching of these meetings requires many distinct personal rituals such as tailgating, preperation of talismans (such as 'lucky' clothing, etc.), and other ceremonies that are unique to each individual, your employer should recognize the need for you to have each Saturday and Sunday off, as well as the Mondays when your denomination gathers.
4. There is an annual service every February that involves members of each congregation. However, this service is conducted by only two of the teams, one from each major belief. After this meeting, there is a huge after-service celebration to try and hold the fans over until the following August.
5. Sacrifices are made in each service....sometimes by the team, and almost always by the fans. Team sacrifices usually include injuries, as well as the loss of prestige if the team loses. Fan sacrifices are usually not as serious, but include things like sacrificing of the waistline due to ingestion of high calorie foods and drinks; dealing with poor TV reception, bad sports reporters, hostile fans from other teams, and lousy parking places; paying $5.00 for 12 ounces of cheap beer, long lines at the toilets, and the risk of personal injury caused by over-celebrating when your team makes a huge play.
6. There is a shrine dedicated to the prominent leaders of football. It is in Canton, Ohio. If making a pilgramige to this shrine, remember that it is holy ground. Do not mention soccer.
7. If football is a religion to you, remember that you have the freedom to attend services of actual real religions, and pray for the uplifitng of your team. This is, in fact, encouraged. Regardless of your TRUE faith (be it Christian, Hebrew, Islam, Bhuddist, or any other), football understands. The NFL recognizes the power and authority of THE Creator, and has no problem with this. Many of the NFL Members belong to different religions...and that's cool with us.
8. The Holy Bible proclaims that there will be a Judgement Day. The NFL has a similar, less permanent version: the instant replay. If there is a dispute between the congregations, a final decision will be reached by the deacons in the striped shirts. Even though they have been known to make major errors, their word is final.
9. Tithing is not necessary. If you do decide to give money, look for a charity sponsored by an NFL player. There are many worthwhile causes you may donate to.
Note: As soon as I find the ten commandments of the football fan, I'll post those, too...