Re: The Joke Thread.
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize...you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod !
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'
Re: The Joke Thread.
Thoey, you just made me cry. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time...
Re: The Joke Thread.
Rules men wish women knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle
Re: The Joke Thread.
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 20 years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be deliberate --- she never did it when she was near anyone else.One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome, and really didn't want to overcome. She told me she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me".I was stunned, frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.I stood there a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight to my car.My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.Welcome to the family".The moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Re: The Joke Thread.
DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS:
When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet....
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the “top of the food chain”.
Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom has yet to solve the “visible” fence problem.
Re: The Joke Thread.
Five Stages of Drinking
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"