Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 21
  1. #1
    rams#1 Guest

    The Joke Thread.

    ok one day this man who was around 60 or so went fishing, and he was nearing the end of what was a bad day to be fishing. and out of nowhere he hears a voice say, "pick me up" the man looks around as if someone is watching him, then as he starts to walk away he hears it again, "pick me up" so he looks down down and finds a frog just sitting there. he said to the frog, "are you talking to me? the frog says why yes I am. pick me up and kiss me, then I will turn into a beautiful Princess. so the man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. the frog then said, "Hey what are you doing"? I said kiss me and I will turn into a Princess.. The man then said...... at my age I would rather just have a Talking Frog.


    lol...... may be a little corny
    Last edited by rams#1; -04-26-2009 at 03:52 AM.


  2. #2
    A-Web's Avatar
    A-Web is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    250
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Once upon a time, there was a great gathering of important leaders. The implications of this meeting would cause a ripple of change, that over the course of the future, would alter the direction of America for decades. The meeting was going along smoothly, and as planned, and then, instead of agreeing with the rest of the leaders, one leader decided to be different. The debate was over weapons. Most of the leaders were supporting an amazing new explosive, which could sway the tide of war by itself, or with some other support, could take apart an entire enemy in a swift blow or two. This one leader however, was supporting the use of weapons that would fire faster, and although they were not nearly as explosive or quality, he still preferred them. The other leaders could not sway his opinion, even after mentioning that the weapons he preferred were nearly untested on the battleground, and had only been used lightly over the last 4 years, whereas there was thorough testing done with these other weapons, which were used over and over and over for years now, with fascinating results. But, when they couldn't convince him, they just let him have his way.

    That man was Al Davis, and this joke just keeps getting more funny as the years roll by.
    Last edited by A-Web; -04-29-2009 at 11:07 AM.

  3. #3
    RamsFan16's Avatar
    RamsFan16 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cedar Rapids, Iowa
    Age
    25
    Posts
    5,072
    Rep Power
    39

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    There was a gentlemen who just purchased a Corvette, and wanted to test it out. So he gets in the car, turns it on and drives down the road, he eventually hit's a straight stretch so he proceeds to go faster. He starts accelerating and when he looks down he hit's 135mph and then notices flashing lights in his rear view mirror, says "Oh BEEP" and pulls over. When the state patrolmen comes to the window he says "Sir, you better have a very good explanation, I'm off in 5 minutes and I don't want to do any more paper work." The guy driving the corvette responds "My wife ran away from me.", the Patrolmen then says "What does that have to do with your speed?", the guy responds, "She left with a state trooper, I thought you were bringing the ***** back."

    I heard that from my buddies dad. Never gets old
    RamsFan16

  4. #4
    A-Web's Avatar
    A-Web is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    250
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Definitely a nice one to wrap that up.

  5. #5
    laram0's Avatar
    laram0 is offline Superbowl MVP
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    57
    Posts
    9,171
    Rep Power
    108

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    I'm sure you all know what the wiseman Confucious said. But just in case I'll lay it on you.

    "Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake-up with stinky fingers"



    GO RAMS!!!!

  6. #6
    rayzorram's Avatar
    rayzorram is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Redlands,California
    Posts
    134
    Rep Power
    8

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    So one day this man going through a mid life crisis decides to go out and buy a brand new red corvette. As he drives off the lot he immediately speeds down the road realizing that this car is just the car of his dreams. He soon finds himself on the outskirts of town unable to find anyone to race him. Before he knows it , he's on a dirt road and comes upon a farmer riding an old 1970 Yamaha 80 ( the kind that makes that familiar ring-ting-ting sound) So he reves the engine and blows by him at 100mph. but the farmer quickly pasts him by as he hears RING-TING-TING. He steps on the gas at 150 mph. but once again he hears the farmer pass him again (RING-TING-TING) Angry that he's being shown up he blows by him at 200mph. Sure enought he looks in his rear view mirror as he passes him again hearing that familiar sound. He decides to stop and slowlly the farmer rolls back to him and he asks him "Hey farmer whatch got in that thing?" With eyes the size of a half dollar he responds "I don't know but I'm sure glad you stopped! My suspenders where caught on your side view mirror!!! BURUMPUMP

  7. #7
    ramsanddodgers's Avatar
    ramsanddodgers is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Arroyo Grande, CA
    Age
    58
    Posts
    2,256
    Rep Power
    51

    Only a man would try this....

    A guy who purchased
    his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
    the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    AWESOME!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
    the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
    admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
    want some assurance that it would work as advertised... Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
    way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    RnD

    GO RAMS!!

  8. #8
    A-Web's Avatar
    A-Web is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    250
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    I've been shot with a stun gun, and it was only for 1 second. I can gladly say that it was by a mutual police friend, and that I wasn't the one with a hand on the trigger.

    It was an experience close to this however, and it isn't something I would ever repeat. Not for $1000. It was hell, and I'm not going back there.

  9. #9
    AvengerRam's Avatar
    AvengerRam is offline Moderator Emeritus
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Longwood, Florida, United States
    Age
    46
    Posts
    18,513
    Rep Power
    167

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    This one is meant to be spoken, not read...

    You know, during the campaign, Barack Obama said the pigs would fly before he would consider closing the Mexican border.

    Well... the swine flu.

  10. #10
    rams#1 Guest

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by AvengerRam View Post
    This one is meant to be spoken, not read...

    You know, during the campaign, Barack Obama said the pigs would fly before he would consider closing the Mexican border.

    Well... the swine flu.
    Hmm one has to consider what Obama is thinking... "well Technicaly Pigs aren't flying.. yeah.. I'll go with that."

  11. #11
    rams#1 Guest

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Double posted by accident.
    Last edited by rams#1; -05-04-2009 at 12:50 PM. Reason: double post by accident.

  12. #12
    thoey's Avatar
    thoey is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    San Antonio, Texas, United States
    Age
    50
    Posts
    2,029
    Rep Power
    32

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
    CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    CAMERON: Mommy?
    This space for rent...

  13. #13
    RamsFan4ever's Avatar
    RamsFan4ever is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    GA
    Age
    21
    Posts
    1,346
    Rep Power
    11

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    hahahahaha ramsanddodgers!!! thats the funniest thing i have ever read!!

  14. #14
    laram0's Avatar
    laram0 is offline Superbowl MVP
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Age
    57
    Posts
    9,171
    Rep Power
    108

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    This traveling salseman walks into a fairly busy bar but manages to find an empty stool. New to the area he simply orders a beer and keeps to himself.
    About halfway through his beer there's the sound of a phone ringing that everyone at the bar can hear. Thing is no one has a phone on them until they notice the new guy answering his hand. As he's carrying on a conversation through his hand everyone including the bartender are looking at this guy in a complete state of shock. Anyway as the call is coming to an end and the new guy says I'll talk to later he reaches for his beer with the same hand he was just talking into. Rightaway the bartender is the new guys face asking him what the heck that was all about. With a very sober response the new guy asks if there is a rule about using the phone in this bar that he needs to be aware of? The bartender still dazed and confused asks the guy how did you make your hand ring like that? It's pretty simple when someone calls my telephone number my hand rings...duh. Now the bartender wants to know if there was really someone on the other end of that call or if this knucklehead was playing a game. The new guy tells the bartender that the next time he gets a call he'd let the bartender talk to the caller. So anyway as time is going by and the beers are going down sure enough there's that ringing sound again. The new guy answers his hand and calls the bartender over to allow him a short chat. Sure enough there was a person on the other end and the bartender walks away scratching his head in amazement. After the new guy ends the call he asks the bartender where the mens room is. All this beer has mother nature calling. The bartender gladly points him in the right direction. While the new guy is in the mens room everyone in the bar is a buzz. They find this whole situation bizarre but really like this guy.

    Anyway after taking care of business in the mens room the new guy comes strolling out heading back to his stool at the bar. As he gets closer to his stool the bartender notices that there is a long strand of toilet paper hanging out of the back of this guys pants. With everyone liking this guy the bartender decides to let him know about the embarrassing trail of toilet paper behind him. The new guy responds "Yeah, I'm receiving a fax"

  15. #15
    cfh128's Avatar
    cfh128 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Syracuse, NY
    Age
    31
    Posts
    777
    Rep Power
    29

    Re: The Joke Thread.

    Two men are stranded in the desert, crawling on their hands and knees, on the verge of starvation.

    All of a sudden, the one man says to his friend, "Look ahead in the distance. Is that what I think it is?"

    His friend replies, "What? I don't see anything."

    The man says, "Up there, in the distance! I think I see a bacon tree!"

    The two men inch closer. The man, growing more and more excited, exclaims, "I think it is! I think it IS a bacon tree!"

    The man springs to his feet and sprints toward the tree. He runs and runs as fast as he can. Until finally, just before he reaches the tree, a bunch of gunmen jump out of the sand and shoot the man to the ground.

    The man's friend, in shock and horror, shouts to his friend, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

    The man shouts back, "Don't come any closer! It is NOT a bacon tree! It's a ham bush!"

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 64
    Last Post: -04-15-2009, 09:13 PM
  2. 2006 Clannie nomination thread
    By RamWraith in forum RAM TALK
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: -06-02-2006, 06:50 PM
  3. Holt to be traded to Washington (joke thread)
    By RamWraith in forum RAM TALK
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: -03-10-2006, 08:41 PM
  4. ***Breaking News!!!*** (joke thread)
    By BernieM in forum RAM TALK
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: -02-27-2006, 11:45 AM
  5. ClanRam Awards: Official Nomination Thread
    By AvengerRam in forum RAM TALK
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: -06-21-2004, 05:02 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •