True Tales of Incredible Stupidity

Have you ever encountered an act of stupidity that was so sublime that you could hardly believe it really happened? Here's one I encountered recently:

I received a phone message from the assistant to an attorney to whom I had just faxed a document. She said "The document you faxed came out too light to read. I think you should check your toner."

Apparently, this brilliant person believes that the toner in my fax machine is squirted through the wires, at high speed and through great distances, into her fax machine, in order to print the document.

Any others?

Topic on the Seahawks board: "Is Ray Willis the next Walter Jones?"

Does that count?

Pretty funny!


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

Quote:

---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

---

That's the funniest thing I've heard in awhile. Thanks a lot psycho! :D

Welcome.Hope AV takes it in good humor and doesnt hit the ban button.

Those notes on stupidity: simply brilliant! :D Thanks Psycho, really enjoyed them. LOL

I could almost do one per DAY....LOL

I was working at a liquor store, and a guy came in drunk. Big deal, right? WRONG! He had been doing tequila shots paying with nickels and dimes at the bar next door to the store. He was screaming at me and tried to jump over the counter to get to me when he was "missing" a quarter that I had JUST GIVEN HIM CHANGE FOR, as HE ASKED. Well, a friend was with him, and when he saw me reach for a heavy glass bottle of whoopass, he dragged the guy out the door, kicking and screaming. I called the bar, then the cops. The bouncer got his plate numbers and found out where he was going to go next, and he was arrested a short time later. What a winner!

Psycho, this is my early nomination for thread of the year. fantastic stuff. thanks for posting it for all of us and lawyers jokes dont bother me as much now that i have moved over to the business side in private equity.

ramming speed to all,

general counsel

Thanks GC. I was hoping you would enjoy that one.My uncle sent that to me last night.Timing was perfect.Hes an ex U.S.Marshall retired,and his sons and daughter(my cousins) are all attorneys.

I've actually seen that before and I think its hysterical!

You can't offend me with lawyer jokes. I know too many lawyers!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AvengerRam

I've actually seen that before and I think its hysterical!

You can't offend me with lawyer jokes. I know too many lawyers!

---

I hear you AV.I was a plumbing heating and A/C tech for quite a few years and I can tell a few of those jokes,but not on a family forum.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AvengerRam

Have you ever encountered an act of stupidity that was so sublime that you could hardly believe it really happened? Here's one I encountered recently:

I received a phone message from the assistant to an attorney to whom I had just faxed a document. She said "The document you faxed came out too light to read. I think you should check your toner."

Apparently, this brilliant person believes that the toner in my fax machine is squirted through the wires, at high speed and through great distances, into her fax machine, in order to print the document.

Any others?

---

Apparently, This gal has seen Willy wonka a time or Two!

These are not necessarily 'tales' and they're a little more 'credible'. A little... :D

We've heard them before but it's smart to repeat them, I hope.

1. SOME PEOPLE TAKE PRIDE IN BEING MODEST.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK
6. 99 % OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE. Smart mouse.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AvengerRam

I've actually seen that before and I think its hysterical!

You can't offend me with lawyer jokes. I know too many lawyers!

---

Oh yea, AV's fine now, but Nick and I had to hold him down for an hour to let him cool off. At first he was foaming-at-the-mouth mad, but in the last 20 minutes or so, he calmed down and actually got quite emotional, from uncontrolable sobbing to quiet whimpering. Just kept muttering "lawyers have feelings too" and "attorneys need love" and "I'm not an animal". But yea, he's right as rain now. :king:

Manoman, this thread is oral.