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  1. #1
    ramsanddodgers's Avatar
    ramsanddodgers is offline Registered User
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    Aug 2006
    Arroyo Grande, CA
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    A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
    workout routine.

    Dear Diary.

    For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
    of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
    in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I
    decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
    Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
    enthusiasm to get started!
    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
    worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
    She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
    dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
    machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
    alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to
    her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
    which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already
    aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
    be a FANTASTIC week-!!

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
    made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she
    put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
    feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
    counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
    hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
    or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
    impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
    Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
    scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
    when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
    the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
    obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
    enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
    thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
    half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
    to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
    men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on
    the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
    other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
    little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
    unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my
    triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
    floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a
    sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
    nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
    drama coach or the choir director?

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
    voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
    to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
    even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    Weather Channel.

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
    thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
    (the terrorist) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
    or a vasectomy.


    GO RAMS!!

  2. #2
    Chiledog Guest

    Re: A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

    Hilarious story, ramsanddodgers

    You had me rolling on the floor!

  3. #3
    general counsel's Avatar
    general counsel is offline Registered User
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    Jun 2005
    atlanta, georgia
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    Re: A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

    Great story ramsanddodgers, but we need you back in that gym just in case the rams need you to play special teams later in the year.

    Ramming speed to all

    general counsel

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