Texas Chili cook off

[txramsfan]

Texas Chili Contest -
YOU R GONNA LUV THIS
If you
can read this whole story without
laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note:
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes
up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting,
so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank is Judge #3)
CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too
heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato
flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy. CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A
bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the
EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer...
CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something
scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded
beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?

[thoey]

Re: Texas Chili cook off

That is one of my ALL-TIME favorite humorous stories. I have had a copy of it for years, lost it once and had to search again and found it. Keep a couple saved copies now...

[adarian_too]

Re: Texas Chili cook off

I've seen this before and you're right ... one of the funniest things I have ever read ...

[thoey]

Re: Texas Chili cook off

I just noticed that my copy has a little more text to it. I am going to post the unabridged version in case anything that it adds might be important. Like who Sally is...

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Mommy?

[adarian_too]

Re: Texas Chili cook off

I just noticed that my copy has a little more text to it. I am going to post the unabridged version in case anything that it adds might be important. Like who Sally is...

Oh you do the English proud with this sleight of understatement ... who can forget Sally ... I start laughing so hard I can't see to read the next line ... it's kinda unfair to have to stop laughing just to crack up at the next line ...