No announcement yet.

The Grinch Who Stole Touchdowns

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The Grinch Who Stole Touchdowns

    The Grinch Who Stole Touchdowns
    -- by RamDez

    Every Ram
    Down in RAM-ville
    Liked Bulger a lot...

    But Warnerites,
    who lived just North of RAM-ville,
    Did NOT!

    Warnerites hated Bulger! The RAM Bulger season!
    Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
    It could be that their heads weren't screwed on quite right.
    It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
    But I think that the most likely reason of all
    May have been that their memory was two sizes too small.

    Whatever the reason,
    Their memory or their shoes,
    They stood there looking at Bulger, hating the Bulgerites,
    Staring down from their cave with a sour, WARNERITEy frown
    At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
    For they knew every RAM down in RAM-ville beneath
    Was busy now, hanging a touchdown wreath.

    "And they're hanging their Touchdowns" they snarled with a sneer.
    "It's six points! It's practically here!"
    Then they growled, with their WARNERITE fingers nervously drumming,
    "We MUST find a way to keep BULGER from scoring!"
    For, tomorrow, they knew...

    ...All the RAM girls and boys
    Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their RAM toys!
    And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
    That's one thing they hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

    Then the RAMs, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
    And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
    And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
    They would start on SEAHAWK-pudding, and rare WHINER-roast-beast
    Which was something WARNERITE couldn't stand in the least!

    And THEN
    They'd do something he liked least of all!
    Every RAM down in RAM-ville, the tall and the small,
    Would stand close together, with Touchdown bells ringing.
    They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the RAMs would start singing and singing!

    They'd sing! And they'd sing!
    AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
    And the more WARNERITE thought of the RAM/BULGER Sing
    The more WARNERITE thought, "We must stop this RAM/BULGER thing!
    "Why for two years we've put up with it now!
    We MUST stop BULGER from scoring!
    ...But HOW?"

    Then they got an idea!
    An awful idea!

    "We know just what to do!" WARNERITE laughed in their throats.
    And they made a quick moan out of vapors and quotes.
    And they chuckled, and clucked, "What a great WARNERITE trick!
    "With this moan, We'll look just so smart and quick!"

    "All we need is a reason..."
    WARNERITE looked around.
    But since reasons were scarce, there was none to be found.
    Did that stop WARNERITE...?
    No! WARNERITE simply said,
    "If we can't find a reason, we'll make one instead!"
    So they called their dog Bernie. Then they took some red thread
    And they tied a big sign on top of his head.

    They loaded some bags
    And some old empty moans
    On a ramshakle sleigh
    And they hitched up old Bernie.

    Then WARNERITE said, "Giddyap!"
    And the sleigh started down
    Toward the homes where the RAMs
    Lay a-snooze in their town.

    All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
    All the RAMs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
    When they came to the first house in the square.
    "This is stop number one," WARNERITE hissed
    And they climbed to the roof, empty bags in their fist.

    Then they slid down the chimney. A rather tight hole.
    But if Santa could do it, then so could WARNERITE.
    They got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
    Then they stuck their heads out of the fireplace flue
    Where the little RAM touchdowns all hung in a row.
    "These touchdowns," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"

    Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,
    Around the RAM's room, and they took every score!
    Bruces! And Torrys! Faulks! Curtis!
    Manu! Jackson! McDonald! And Looker!
    And they stuffed them in bags. Then WARNERITE, very nimbly,
    Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

    Then they slunk to the icebox. They took the RAMs' feast!
    They took the SEAHAWK-pudding! They took the roast Whiner beast!
    They cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
    Why, that WARNERITE even took their last can of RAM-hash!

    Then they stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
    "And NOW!" grinned WARNERITE, "I will take what is free!"

    And WARNERITE grabbed the MARTZ playbook, and they started to shove
    When they heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
    They turned around fast, and they saw a small RAM!
    Little Cindy-Lou RAM, who was not more than two.

    WARNERITE had been caught by this little RAM daughter
    who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
    She stared at WARNERITE and said, "WARNERITE, why,
    "Why are you taking our touchdowns? WHY?"

    But, you know, that WARNERITE was so smart and so slick
    They thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick!
    "Why, my sweet little tot," the two-faced leader lied,
    "There's faults on this playbook that won't work on my side.
    "So we're taking it home to our workshop, my dear.
    "We'll fix it up there. Then we'll bring it back here."

    And their fib fooled the child. Then they patted her head
    And they got her a drink and they sent her to bed.
    And when Cindy-Lou RAM went to bed with her cup,
    They went to the chimney and stuffed the playbook up!

    Then the last thing they took
    Was the log for their fire.
    Then they went up the chimney themselves, the liars.
    On their walls they left nothing but hooks, and some wires.

    And the one speck of food
    They left in the house
    Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

    They did the same thing
    To the other RAMs' houses

    Leaving crumbs
    Much too small
    For the other RAMs' mouses!

    It was quarter past dawn...
    All the RAMs, still a-bed
    All the RAMs, still a-snooze
    When they packed up their sled,
    Packed it up with their plays! The passes! The runs!
    The cool long passes! Wrapped them up in their lies and pronouncements !

    Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Brenda,
    They rode to the tiptop to dump it!
    "Pooh-pooh to the RAMs!" they were WARNERITE-ish-ly humming.
    "They're finding out now that no Touchdown is coming!
    "They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
    "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
    "Then all the RAMs down in RAM-ville will all cry Boo Hoo!"

    "That's a noise," grinned WARNERITE,
    "That we simply must hear!"
    So they paused. And WARNERITE put a hand to their ears.
    And they did hear a sound rising over the snow.
    It started in low. Then it started to grow...

    But the sound wasn't sad!
    Why, this sound sounded merry!
    It couldn't be so!
    But it WAS merry! VERY!

    They stared down at RAM-ville!
    WARNERITE popped their eyes!
    Then they shook!
    What they saw was a shocking surprise!

    Every RAM down in RAM-ville, the tall and the small,
    Was singing and scoring! Without any worries at all!
    They HADN'T stopped Bulger from scoring!
    Somehow or other, he scored just the same!

    And WARNERITE, with their WARNERITE-feet ice-cold in the snow,
    Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
    It came without passes! It came without run!
    "It came without warranties, indemnification or gripes!"
    And they puzzled three hours, `till their puzzler was sore.
    Then WARNERITE thought of something they hadn't before!
    "Maybe Bulger," they thought, "doesn't come from a dream.
    "Maybe worth supporting just a bit more!"

    And what happened then...? RAM-ville they say
    That WARNERITE's small heart
    Shrank three sizes that day!
    At that minute the feeling in their hearts didn't feel quite so fun,
    as they whizzed home with their ill-gotten load through the bright St Louis sun.
    For ClanRam had arrived, and there was no place to run!

    Later that day,
    the hero of the RAM's sat at the head of the table,
    Sharpening their knives, all willing and able.

    And they smiled at the RAM's and said with a grin,
    "Who wants the first slice?"
    Then the carving would begin....

    And all through the night the RAM's enjoyed their touchdown feast,
    WARNERITE stew, WARNERITE pie and of course, roast WARNERITE beast.

    Attached Files

    Keeping the Rams Nation Talking