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Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

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  • Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    October 23, 2004 (NHS) -- Jerry Rice was traded to Seattle for, well, nothing (his true market value) after a typical episode of Jerry being Jerry (being an egomaniacal a-hole). But the most overrated individual in sports history got his way in the end -- which is all that matters, right? -- notwithstanding the stench of how it went down.

    End of West Coast offense, end of Jerry
    It started with Rice's meltdown in Oakland. After Al Davis toyed with the cheesy West Coast offense in Oakland for the last couple years -- perhaps just to show how easy it is to dink your way to the Super Bowl -- this year he brought in Norv Turner and real offense back to the Silver & Black.

    And Jerry couldn't hack it.

    It's no coincidence that it took just two games in a legitimate offensive scheme to spell the end of one of the most perverted pieces of meaningless NFL trivia -- Rice's little "consecutive games with a catch" streak.

    There are complete idiots that use this among "proof" that Rice is, laughably, "the greatest player ever", but perhaps now they'll connect the dots that the entire "streak" was based on nothing more than throwing him an avalanche of cheesy 2-yard dink attempts in the Wuss Coast offense, and not anything of value.

    But alas, this concept continues to boggle the braintrust in the media. The San Jose Mercury wrote, "Raiders Coach Norv Turner had no explanation Monday for Rice's diminishing role, other than to say: 'It's a different offense, a different style of offense, and we have a lot of people playing.'"

    Hey, geniuses -- how exactly is this "no explanation"??

    The fact that it's a different offense is the exact explanation.

    Truth is, Rice's skills only translate to the gimmick Wuss Coast offense. When he ended up in the Raiders' traditional offense by mistake, his skills became garbage. Other smaller, faster receivers that can actually get open down the field are more valuable to Norv Turner's scheme.

    The explanation that eludes the faculties of our lovable media is simply put: end of WCO, end of Jerry. It's just that simple. It's the same reason Steve Young was worthless in Tampa Bay. It's a shame it took 20 years until Rice ended up by chance in a real offense to finally see the truth we've known all along come to fruition. Too bad we never got to see Joe Montana leave the shelter of the cozy dink pass offense.

    Same old class
    As the clock ran down and it was clear his little streak was going to end, Rice started throwing his helmet and kicking things and muttering to himself on the sideline -- while his team was winning.

    When the apocalypse actually happened and the game ended without the Divine Catch being bestowed upon the Almighty, the media spin started kicking the helmet of truth. Even though all reputable people already know Rice is an A-#1 Selfish Jerk, the sniveling media broke out their tired, old "he's just a competitor" excuse to rationalize away his juvenile behavior and laughably treated the end of this streak as a loss of something of actual value. Despite the media's protection, Raiders OL Frank Middleton gave a rare candid assessment of Rice:

    "We won and that's important. It's one of them things where everybody's got to give a little for the team. If he has to give a record for us to win a game, I think that's a small price to pay. It's easy to go out and play football every week when you're playing for something. He was playing to keep his record alive. Now the record is dead. Now we really get to see what kind of character he has. If he comes out and does great because the record is not on the line anymore, that's just going to make him look better as a player. If he shuts it down and gets mad because it's broke, that's going to say something about him, too."


    Following that game, not only did Rice shut it down, he embarked on an AM radio talk show circuit to whine and, like the coward he is, invented/hyped trade rumors about himself to extract himself from the situation. After all, nobody else had any confirmed word of any sort of trade for Jerry before his radio interviews, and any team asked denied it as ridiculous. But lo and behold, as soon as he hit the airwaves, suddenly there were "trade rumors" that Rice was "endorsing". The Lions were mentioned as a possible trade destination as were, laughably, the *****. In the end, he *****ed and moaned and ran off crying to Seattle.

    So what can we say about Rice now?

    Unfortunately, it's not about what we say about Rice (no matter how true), it's about what the media continues to spew to the clueless masses. Any time the subject of Rice comes up, inevitably it involves the apologist du jour sputtering the lie that he's "the greatest football player ever" (the most absurd statement ever uttered) and belief that he can help the Seahawks "as a mentor". One of the biggest enemies of the truth, ex-49er beat writer Clark Judge now sleazing around at, even wrote, "Rice should be a positive influence on all the Seahawks receivers, just as he was on a young Terrell Owens."

    [Pause while you stop laughing.]

    Yes, here's to hoping all those Seattle receivers emulate the class of Owens, as passed down by classy Jerry -- as if that's a "positive influence"!!

    [Pause again for you to stop laughing.]

    But what can you expect from guys like Judge? After all, he's the same guy who back in the day claimed it was "common sense" for the ***** to sign Lawrence Phillips. Well, I guess one could in theory expect such blatant bias and incompetence to be fired instead of being promoted to, but then you wouldn't be thinking The 49er Way.

    Finally, the whole event was yet another excuse for the obligatory fawning over Rice's "legendary status" going around the star-struck media groupies, with arguments that he's still worth something "even though he can't do all the things he used to do anymore".

    Anymore?? Fact is, he never did those "things" the media likes to pretend about Rice. His entire success was built around the exact same thing he is doing today -- catching little dink passes -- which is exactly why the Lions were the initial pipe dream and Seattle was Rice's ultimate destination. All places with ex-***** coaches still loyal and willing to pad Rice's stats with meaningless dump-offs. But don't expect the media to get it -- they fully endorse the motto that "if you repeat a 49er lie often enough, people will think it's true."

    Going out our way
    According to Rice, his unrest and trade wishes were to avoid ending his oh-so-Best Ever career on a sour note. As he told his media buddies, "I can't go out this way." -- after all, no one has a higher opinion of Jerry's legacy than Jerry.

    What he means by going out "that way", of course, is "our way" -- the way of embarrassment and tainted memories. Sorry, Jerry, whether you want to or not, you are going out our way. And rest assured we are all wearing big, fat smiles at your comeuppance.

    After all, if you didn't want to go out this way, you should have retired years ago. Instead, as everyone knows, the only reason you're still hanging around is to try to add more worthless stats to your little records. That vanity cost you your little streak, and like it or not, Randy Moss will pass your records in a few years (he's on pace for 260 TDs). If not him, then someone else -- just like you passed other receivers in the records books even though you were never fit to carry their jocks, including Steve Largent.

    That leads to the final insult of this whole affair: how the Seahawks "unretired" Largent's jersey number 80 for Rice to wear. The universal disgust among fans with Rice's unequalled gall to even consider asking, then the team's pandering to such a worthless person and disrespect to Largent in granting such a monstrosity was perfectly recorded at a must-read article at

    A look at the newsgroup on the Internet revealed more protests over Jerry's unmatched narcissism to even ask for the number and the ridiculousness of "unretiring" a number. One post indicated a fan had written the team threatening to turn in his season tickets if they allowed the "unretiring" to happen. Clearly, Seahawks fans are universally angered and embarrassed by this "unretiring" episode, and who could blame them?

    So how did the Seattle local media react? Well, the choice came down to being loyal to their readers or to Rice and -- big surprise -- a check of The Seattle Times and Seattle Post-Intelligencer revealed the exact same-old ass-kissing and spin to protect Jerry that we've seen in the Bay Area for the past 20 years. See, for example, the Times' headline: "Outrage unnecessary: Largent proud to let Rice wear his number".

    The article was an incredibly insulting offering worthy of a Bay Area merlot-and-cheddar journalism award, presenting the issue as if Largent "gave his blessing" (as if he had an option to say no) to allow such an oh-so-Best Ever Living Legend wear a retired jersey. Guess it's true that Rice will always be a 49er -- at least to the media, no matter where he goes.

    One NHS member sent a quick email suggesting Rice's new jersey should be number "80b" -- a perfect summation of the indignity of the situation -- and the joke that is Jerry Rice.

  • #2
    Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

    RT, to add a quantitative point to your narrative, if I may...

    When those who worship Rice as the "greatest player ever" defend their faith, they typically do so by quoting the fact that he has more receptions and more yardage than any receiver of all time. But as RamTime has so effectively stated, when you spend you're whole career under the dressing room flattery mirror that is the West Coast Offense, you should have outlandish reception and yardage stats. But the real question is, shouldn't the "greatest player ever" be able to make the most out of every reception?

    The following is a list of the top 13 in career receiving yardage ranked according to yards per receptions.
    Don Maynard 18.7
    James Lofton 18.3
    Henry Ellard 16.9
    Charlie Joiner 16.2
    Steve Largent 16.0
    Michael Irvin 15.9
    Isaac Bruce 15.1
    Irving Fryar 15.0
    Jerry Rice 14.8
    Andre Reed 13.9
    Tim Brown 13.7
    Art Monk 13.5
    Cris Carter 12.6

    So of the 13 highest yardage receivers in history, Rice, the "greatest player ever", only ranks 9th. And this doesn't even include receivers who haven't been around long enough to crack the top 13 in yardage, such as Randy Moss (15.9) and Torry Holt (15.8).
    The more things change, the more they stay the same.


    • #3
      Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

      Did you write this, Wraith? If not, where is it from?


      • #4
        Re: Rice can't hack real offense, runs home crying to Mommy Holmgren

        Nice post Ramtime. :redface:

        I totally agree, Rice needs a reality check. Hopefully he will retire after this season. :confused:

        I know this is off topic, but Ramtime eluded to the fact that Rice needed to got to a team with an ex .***** coach and running the West Coast Offense. It's now clear why Tantrum Overrated (T.O) held out to go to the E-gals.
        And it had nothing to do with the E-gals being a better team.

        Hummm, makes sense dosen't it?

        Adm. William "Bull" Halsey


        Related Topics


        • AvengerRam_old
          Can we stop praying at the alter of Jerry Rice now?
          by AvengerRam_old
          The media loves Jerry Rice. He is, without question, the most productive WR of all time, and one of the most productive players of all time. His work ethic and ability to play into his 40s is admirable.

          But... all that does not change the fact that the guy's a jerk.

          I won't mention the massage parlor incident (Oops! I just did!). Instead, I'll focus on two recent events.

          First, a few weeks ago, his record streak of consecutive games with a reception ended IN A GAME THAT HIS TEAM WON. You would think that he would react by simply commenting after the game that "its been a good run," while confirming that the important thing was that his team won. Instead, he threw a tantrum on the sideline.

          Now, he's traded to Seattle and he takes Steve Largent's #80 jersey. Apparently, this was approved by Largent and the team... but that's not the point. Steve Largent is a Seattle football icon. Perhaps... the only Seattle football icon. In that city, #80 should always represent Largent, not some washed-up carpetbagger who lacks the class to SIMPLY WEAR ANOTHER NUMBER!!!

          I'm sure Chris Berman and other Rice apologists will find some way to excuse this act of hubris. Me... I've had about enough of Rice's act.
          -10-20-2004, 09:08 AM
        • Nick
          Rice vents, deals with streak's end
          by Nick
          Rice vents, deals with streak's end


          SUNDAY'S GAME against the Buffalo Bills had been over for nearly 30 minutes, and Jerry Rice's white-hot anger had subsided.

          Rice laughed about how he had slammed his helmet to the ground, one-hopping the Raiders' bench late in the fourth quarter of their 13-10 victory.

          He joked about how he had kicked a plastic yard-line marker, accidentally bouncing it off a cop's leg on the sidelines.

          Nearly a half hour had passed since Rice's NFL record streak of 274 games with at least one catch had ended.

          His anger had subsided, but his pride was still clearly hurting.

          Rice hadn't been blanked since Dec. 1, 1985, against the Washington Redskins during his rookie season with the *****.

          Eight days later that year in a Monday night game against the Rams, Rice started a catch streak that lasted over 18 seasons and through four U.S. presidents, from Ronald Reagan to George W. Bush.

          Rice went on to became arguably the NFL's greatest receiver, smashing records left and right. Now, at 41, he's an afterthought. That reality, more than the streak's death, is what hurt most.

          "It's something that's hard to deal with because you pride yourself on catching the football," Rice said. "Even without the streak, you pride yourself on catching the football during the game. And it's been a long time. I can't recall. It's been a long time.

          "I never thought it would come to an end like this, but you know, it's OK. It's all right. It happens. Life goes on. I'll just start another one."

          It's been a long time since Rice was all but ignored in a football game. But that's what happened Sunday. Quarterback Rich Gannon threw Rice's way one time. That second-quarter sideline pass sailed well over Rice's head.

          Rice spent most of the game running deep clear-out patterns, opening up space for other receivers.

          "Well, I'm in great shape," Rice said, laughing. "It reminds me of the movie, what's his name, run Forrest run? Forrest Gump? Well, run Forrest run. I was running. I was running hard, too."

          When Rice was in his prime, his coaches and quarterback basically made sure he kept his streak alive. They were aware when Rice's streak was in jeopardy.

          And now?

          Well, new Raiders coach Norv Turner said he didn't realize Rice's streak was on life support until offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye told him with only 2:20 remaining. By then, it was too late. The Raiders got the ball back with 1:17 left and ran out the clock.

          "There's no way in that situation you're going to throw a pass," Turner said.

          "I would like to (have seen) Jerry continue his streak. It disappoints me that he didn't."

          Gannon said he...
          -09-20-2004, 09:55 AM
        • jjigga3000
          PUTTING THE SLEEPER TO BED (LONG READ) but good read
          by jjigga3000
          By Bill Simmons
          Page 2

          After five weeks of the 2006 NFL season, we've only learned 10 things:

          1. If you're a QB, and you blow out a knee or smack your body up in a motorcycle accident, definitely take your time coming back. No rush. Seriously.

          2. The Bears have a chance to be historically good.

          3. The Raiders have a chance to be historically bad.

          4. Drew Bledsoe has added a degree of difficulty for blowing big games. In the old days, he'd just throw a back-breaking interception at the worst possible time. But since everyone knows that's coming now, he added a fascinating wrinkle: An improbable play to throw us off and make us forget he's about to blow the game (like last week's fourth-and-18 bomb to Glenn), followed by the back-breaking interception that becomes doubly back-breaking because of the preceding events.

          WEEK 5 REDUX
          Last week's picks found me on the wrong side of three killer gambling moments:

          1. With the Pats giving 10 and headed for a push, Maroney gets a game-clinching first down inside Miami's 20, only nobody tackles him, so he keeps going and it looks like he's going to score ... NO! He gets pushed out at the 4-yard line. That's followed by three Brady kneels.

          2. The Browns are getting 8.5 points and trailing by 11. Fourth down, 15 seconds left. Instead of taking one more crack at the end zone, Romeo Crennel sends out the FG team for the cover. This actually happened.

          3. The killer of killers: Getting 6.5 points, the Lions are trailing by two at midfield and it's fourth-and-10 with less than 90 seconds to play. Kitna scrambles, two guys pull him down ... and as he's falling, he flips it right to a Vikings lineman, who scrambles untouched for a clinching TD and the cover. I hate gambling.

          5. You're not winning a Super Bowl with Brett Favre or Steve McNair. They're both washed up. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's true.

          6. San Diego has the most talent in the AFC. Unfortunately, the Chargers also have an uptight coach who runs his team about as loosely as Ted Knight handled his daughters in "Too Close For Comfort."

          (Note: Sadly, that show was canceled 21 years ago, making the reference Bermanian for everyone younger than 30. Normally I avoid doing this, but I have two defenses: First, it's the perfect comparison. You really had to see the show. And second, Ted Knight was a comedic genius. So I'm standing by the reference. Now if I only had a clip of me and Glenn Frey standing outside the Hotel California. Back to the column.)

          7. If you're getting points with the Lions on the road and covering in the final minute, and the Lions have the ball, and they're driving, and the only way you could ever lose is if Jon Kitna fumbles a touchdown, throws an interception...
          -10-13-2006, 10:26 AM
        • Guest's Avatar
          Michelangelo's David. Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. Walsh's West Coast Offense.
          by Guest
          Niners abandon the West Coast Offense
          No fanfare for passing of "genius"

          August 21, 2004 (NHS) -- Michelangelo's David. Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. Walsh's West Coast Offense.

          Once upon a time, such a ridiculous grouping would've raised no eyebrows in the sports world. Indeed, for the 49er-smooching media members, it's still even today a fact (not opinion) for them that Bill Walsh's alleged "creation" -- the so-called "West Coast offense" (WCO) -- is more profound than the discovery of sliced bread and a round earth combined.

          For over 20 years Niner-haters have suffered the most ignorant of ignorance spewing forth from pie-hole after pie-hole of the 49er Bandwagon about how Walsh is a "genius", "visionary", "professor", and so on -- and how the *****' offense is just oh-so-"enlightened" that you'd be a fool to try and stop it, you could barely hope to contain it. Barely a few have criticized it, and only the NHS has directly spelled out the cheesy reality of it.

          The rest of the unlucky masses not privileged to view this website have been force-fed by our lovable media that before Walsh "invented" all offense as we know it in 1981, no team had ever attempted a short pass in the history of professional football. If you took a snapshot of the mental image of what a Niner fan believes football was like before 1981, you would see Neanderthals poking at a pigskin with bone clubs before Walsh descended from the heavens like the Monolith to the tune of Also Sprach Zarathustra (1981: a Walsh Odyssey).

          Compounding this ignorance is the recent crescendo of teams switching to the WCO (or at least claiming they have been, even if what they're doing is nowhere similar to it) -- which has been enough for the media/Niner fans to Officially Declare the spread of it as "proof" of Walsh's genius and the WCO as the most enlightened, successful offense in NFL history; nay, all of sports history.

          So does it make any sense at all that now that the ***** have tossed the WCO into the garbage can, all it gets is a passing mention in an offseason sidebar???

          In case you missed it, ESPN "announced" on May 17, 2004 that the ***** will no longer run the WCO. The mention came buried in an offseason overview article at

          You'll have to look hard to find it, but halfway down infamous Niner-smoocher Len Pasquerelli's sidebar blurb it says:

          "[F]or the first time since Bill Walsh arrived in 1979, San Francisco will not operate from the West Coast offense."

          [Dramatic pause.]

          Let's repeat: "San Francisco will not operate from the West Coast offense."

          [Stunned silence.]

          Naturally, your reaction right now is no doubt, "Is this a joke??"

          -09-29-2004, 08:54 PM
        • Nick
          PFT: Hawks cooking up some Rice?
          by Nick

          As receiver Jerry Rice continues to look for a pathway out of the Bay Area after more than 19 seasons with the ***** and the Raiders, we're hearing that talks have been occurring between the Seahawks and the Raiders, possibly regarding a trade for the man who holds every significant career receiving record.

          Though we don't do what specifically was discussed, we do know that there have been communications, and we can think of no reason why the Raiders and the Seahawks would be talking about anything other than a trade for Rice, especially since the trade deadline is only five days away.

          Reportedly, Rice was scheduled to meet with Raiders owner Al Davis on Wednesday night (daylight, after all, kills vampires) regarding the future Hall of Famer's discontent with his role in the Oakland offense. On Sunday, Rice was held without a reception for the second time this season.

          When Rice left the ***** as a free agent, the Seahawks was one of the teams in the mix for his services, since coach Mike Holmgren is well acquainted with Rice given their days together in San Fran, when Holmgren was the offensive coordinator. With a receiving corps in Seattle that's having trouble holding onto the football, perhaps Holmgren thinks a guy like Rice will help Koren Robinson finally mature into the player that he can be.

          But Holmgren also will be required to get Rice on the field, and the ball in his hands. If anyone can find a way to make that happen, it's Holmgren, who arguably knows Rice better than any other coach presently working in the NFL.
          -10-14-2004, 07:08 AM