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Sam Shields article in The Players Tribune

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  • Sam Shields article in The Players Tribune

    Someone please find the article by Sam Shields today in The Players Tribune online and post it to this site. It is one of the most inspirational, emotional and moving articles i have ever read. Shields describes his battles with concussions and his road back to the NFL in a way that is extremely moving and real. I am now a GINORMOUS Sam Shields fan.

    Ramming speed to all

    general counsel

  • #2
    Formatting sucks, but here it is. I think a video was in there too, but I didn't bother to try to move it here.

    IT'S BEEN A LONG TWO YEARS - by Sam Shields

    The Tylenol wasn’t doing ****.

    It was three o’clock in the morning on some night in January 2017. I forget which one. I’d had a lot of bad nights around that time, but this one was the worst. I couldn’t sleep. It felt like my brain was cramping, or like it was trying to break out of my skull or something. I was rolling around in my bed, whipping my body back and forth, trying to escape the pounding inside my head.

    Next thing I know, I’m curled up in the fetal position, shaking and crying.

    I had spent the previous couple of months literally living in the dark, sitting inside my house in Sarasota, Florida, with the curtains closed because I couldn’t handle the sunlight. Anything in the house that lit up was turned off. I couldn’t look at my phone for more than a few seconds. And forget about watching TV.

    I tried listening to music, but sound had the same effect. I even tried turning the bass down — I went straight treble — and I still couldn’t handle it.

    You ever sit alone, in silence, in the dark, for weeks at a time, where all your mind can do is wander and think whatever it wants?

    Believe me, you’ll think up some scary ****.

    I was thinking about how maybe this was gonna be my life now. This was it. It would just be me, in the darkness, trapped inside my own head … forever.

    One thing I didn’t think about was football.

    Actually, scratch that … I was thinking about football.

    I was thinking, F**k football.

    I didn’t even care about it anymore.

    I just wanted to get my head right.

    But I couldn’t.

    I was thinking, F**k football. I didn’t even care about it anymore. I just wanted to get my head right.
    Now it was 3 a.m., and I was curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably.

    I needed help. I needed medicine. I needed God.

    I needed my mama.

    It’s funny. It doesn’t matter who you are or how old you get. Even when you’re a grown-ass man and you got money and you got your own kids and **** …

    Sometimes, you just need your mama.

    She lived right down the street, so I called her up, and I remember just moaning into the phone.

    “Ohhh, **** … make it stop … ahhhh, please help me … please come, Mama!”

    “I’m on my way, baby.”

    That’s all she said.

    Five minutes later, she was there with me, sitting on my bed, stroking my forehead like I was a little baby, telling me everything was gonna be O.K. She asked if I wanted some Tylenol, and I told her I had already taken some but it wasn’t doing anything. So she went into the kitchen and made me some soup because … moms, right? They be thinking soup can fix anything. But the soup didn’t help. Nothing did. Nothing could stop the pounding. I knew that. All I could do was wait. It would pass.

    I hoped.

    People have been asking me why.

    Why come back? After five concussions and basically missing two full seasons — and after being in that dark place and knowing that one hit could potentially put me back there — why risk it? Why come back?

    Well, first off, I’ve been back playing and hitting for a while now, and everything’s been cool. And I plan on everything staying cool — knock on wood.

    But the reason I came back is …

    Love, man.

    Love for this game.

    I know it’s hard for some people to understand because … it is just a game. And I guess the best way I can explain it is to ask you to think about something you love. Something you live for. Something that’s as big a part of you as anything. Something that defines you. Something that makes you feel powerful. Something that makes you feel special. Something that makes you feel alive.

    I know you got something like that in your life, and you’d probably sacrifice everything for it. Everybody’s got their own ****.

    Football is my ****.

    That’s why I came back. To finish what I started and pick up where I left off on the football field in Week 1 of the 2016 season when I came up and laid a hit on T.J. Yeldon, and it was lights out.

    I was only down for a second, and honestly, when I got up, I felt O.K. I was a little woozy, but overall, I was straight.

    The trainers wanted to take a look at me anyway.

    This was before they had the little blue tent on the sidelines, so they took me into the training room to check me out. I walked off the field and disappeared into the darkness of the tunnel, still feeling O.K. Then I walked into the training room and back into the light … that’s when everything hit me. It was instant headache. I guess the adrenaline had worn off, because all of a sudden it was like I had a giant heart beating inside my head. My vision started fading in and out as my head throbbed, like I was seeing strobe lights.

    I was buggin’ out, man. I’d had concussions previously, but I had never felt anything like this.

    I sat on the training table, closed my eyes as hard as I could, put my head in my hands and started rubbing and squeezing it to try and stop the pain.

    Then I just started crying — I mean sobbing like a little baby.

    I looked up at the trainers, like, What the f*** is wrong with me?

    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    For the next few weeks, my head was constantly hurting. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I had to call the trainers in the middle of the night sometimes to bring me sleep medication. They would check up on me and track my progress. Some days they’d bring me in and give me these little tests where they’d show me a shape — like a triangle or something — then they’d have me focus on some other task. When I was done, they’d ask me to go back and remember the shape they had shown me.

    I couldn’t.

    They kept giving me this test over and over, and I just couldn’t remember the f***ing shape, man.

    One time I got so pissed about it that I got up and left the facility. I went home and sat by myself in the dark.

    About a month later, the Packers put me on IR. I felt like I had to get out of Green Bay, so I went home to Sarasota to be with my family and my three daughters.

    But things just got worse.

    There were so many days and nights when I’d be home by myself in the dark, crying on my bed, my head just blasting. It felt like it was never going to stop.

    That was my life for about three months. I had good days and bad days, but the night in January when I had to call my mom to come over was the worst. That was rock bottom.

    A couple of weeks after that, I was sitting in my house in the middle of the afternoon in the dark when I got a phone call from my agent.

    The Packers had released me.

    I guess I was wrong.

    This was rock bottom.

    I’ll be honest with you: When the Packers released me, that **** hurt. Even though in my mind I was basically done with football, and I knew that their decision was just business, I was still sad as a mother****er.

    I just felt like they hadn’t given me a chance, you know? They just put me on IR, then I didn’t hear much from until they cut me loose.

    And that was that.

    I’ve never had any hard feelings about it all, though. I’ll always have love for the Packers. They gave me my chance as an undrafted free agent. They paid me when it was time for me to get paid. The fans were always crazy supportive — they still show me love today — and I loved all the guys I played with and the people I met in the organization. So the fact that they just cut me loose like that … I don’t know. I mean, I get it. Business is business, right?

    I just didn’t like the way they went about that business.

    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    But in a weird way, getting cut was a turning point for me. It opened my eyes to the fact that if I was going to get better, I was gonna have to have to get off my ass and actually do something about it — and I’d have to do it myself. I didn’t have no team to help me. No trainers to call. It was gonna be on me. And whatever I had been doing — sitting in the dark and just waiting for **** to get better — damn sure wasn’t working.

    I started doing some research. It was tough because I couldn’t look at my phone or computer screen for more than a couple of minutes. But over the course of a few weeks, I came across a lot of people who had been dealing with the same things as me.

    I found this one woman who was out in L.A., and she had worked with doctors at UCLA, where they had some of the best programs for people dealing with post-concussive stuff like I had. I reached out to her and told her my situation, and she straight up told me that I needed to come out there ASAP.

    A week later, I went and met her in L.A.

    I spent the whole summer out there working with the neurologists at UCLA, and man … I wish I could explain everything they told me. I learned so much. But the main thing I learned was that what I had been doing — staying at home all day in the dark and just waiting for my head to get right on its own — was the worst thing I could have possibly done. They told me that my brain was like any other muscle. And when you pull a hamstring or something — sure, you gotta give it some time, but then you have to rehab it. You have to work it.

    They had me doing all these crazy drills, like I’d be running on a treadmill while they asked me a bunch of different questions or gave me math problems to solve. They were basically retraining my brain to multitask. After a while, they even gave me that test the trainers had given me back in Green Bay — the one with the shapes — to see how I had been progressing.

    This time, I actually remembered that ****!

    It was a long process. I had some good days and some bad. There were nights where I couldn’t sleep because of migraines, and nights where I slept great. But as the months went on, I started having more good days than bad, until, eventually, I started to feel like my old self again.

    In November — after about six months at UCLA — I went back home to Sarasota.

    I remember the first time I went back into my house. It was the middle of the day, and I walked in, pulled the curtains open for the first time in I don’t know how long, and just let the sunlight in.

    No headache.

    No nothing.

    I thought about my daughters and how they had their dad back. About my parents, who had stuck by me through everything.

    Then I thought about football.

    And I thought, Maybe it’s not over for me.

    That video is from January 3, 2018. My first day back on the football field since Week 1 in 2016.

    There had been moments when I thought I was 100% done with football. But I never turned in my retirement papers because I didn’t want to make that kind of a decision while I was in such a crazy state of mind. I didn’t want it to be an emotional decision.

    And I know that video above might not look like much, but man … just being on the field, digging my cleats into the grass, moving my body and sweating from something other than a paralyzing migraine….

    I knew right then that Sam Shields was gonna be back.

    So I got back on my grind and had my agent put the word out.

    “I’m baaaaack,” I told him. “Better let ’em know!”

    Two teams showed interest in working me out: the Browns and the Rams. I had seen the things the Rams had done in 2017, and I thought, Man, I could really be a part of that.

    Usually, when a team brings you in for a workout, it’s for one day. You come in, you work out, and their people call your people if they’re down.

    The Rams kept me there for like three or four days. They ran all kinds of tests to make sure my head was right and I was healthy enough to play. I had already been cleared by doctors, but the Rams did their due diligence, for sure.

    Then, on the day of my actual on-field workout, I thought there would be a couple of people — maybe the head coach, the D-coordinator and the DBs coach — but the whole damn staff was out there. I asked one dude why so many people were there, and he said, “We’ve all seen you play, and we love your game. We just wanted to be out here to watch you.”

    The first drill we did was a ball-tracking drill. I lined up, the coach hiked the ball, I stayed low and backpedaled out, and when the coach brought the ball up to his shoulder to indicate pass, I flipped my hips, turned and ran.

    As I was running, I heard somebody yell out, “That’s it!”

    It was Coach McVay.

    “That’s all we need to see,” he said. “We’re good here. Call your agent and let him know we’re ready to sign you.”

    I was like, “Shiiiiiiit, I’m ready, too!”

    That was that. I came back the next day and met with the staff, and everybody was extra real with me throughout the whole process. No bull****. They told me right off the bat that they were about to trade for Aqib Talib and Marcus Peters, so they’d be pretty stacked at corner. But I hadn’t put pads on in 16 months, man. I wasn’t even thinking about defense. I just wanted to get back on the field on special teams and prove to myself and everybody else that I could still ball.

    I told them straight up, “You give me an opportunity, and I’m gonna ride for you.”

    And we did the deal.

    Courtesy of Sam Shields

    I’ll never forget training camp my rookie year in Green Bay in 2010. I was an undrafted guy who had only been playing corner for one year — I switched over from receiver before my senior year at Miami — and I was having a lot of trouble learning the defensive schemes. I would get called on in meetings and not know the answers to basic questions about different coverages. The coaches wouldn’t even give me reps in practice because I didn’t know the plays.

    I went back to my room one night after meetings and my roommate, Morgan Burnett, was there.

    “I can’t do this ****,” I told him. “I just can’t! I’m gonna quit.”

    He was like, “Nah, man. You’re not gonna quit. You’re gonna stay. You can learn this ****, and I’m gonna teach you.”

    After that, every day during camp, Morgan stayed up late and studied with me. And I don’t know if he said something to the other guys or what, but one day at practice I was over with all the DBs — Charles Woodson, Tramon Williams, Jarrett Bush and the rest of the vets — and they were like, “Hey, man, we got you. You’re gonna get this.”

    And they took me under their wings.

    Then my secondary coach, Joe Whitt, came to me one day with some flash cards. He had taken this stack of little white cards, and on each one he had drawn up an offensive formation on one side, and on the other, the defensive audible we were supposed to call against that formation. And I’m telling you, that **** worked. Between the flash cards, working with the vets and hitting the playbook harder than I ever had in my life, everything started making sense.

    Those guys — the vets in Green Bay and my man Joe Whitt — man, without them? I don’t know if I would have ever made it in this league.

    They taught the kid how to play.

    I remember all this so vividly now because I remember how it all felt — being the new guy, learning a new defense and how to play with new teammates, playing special teams to prove that I belonged. And I felt the exact same way when I took the field for the first time with the Rams this past offseason.

    I felt like a rookie all over again.

    But with the advantage of that veteran wisdom.

    And you know what? It’s been fun, man. Especially after everything I’ve been through. The headaches. The stress. The frustration. All that I had to cope with. It was just a lot. What I went through, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

    So to be here, right now, with this team? Man … I just feel blessed.

    Honestly, this team reminds me a lot of that Packers team we had back in 2010. It was a fun, exciting team. We had a tight defense, just like we got here in L.A., and we had an offense that was lighting it up. It’s a little different now, though, because I think we snuck up on some people back in 2010. Now, this Rams team … we’re 7–0 and everybody’s talking about us. Teams are coming at us every week, giving us their absolute best, trying to knock us off.

    And that’s a lot of fun, too.

    Peter Read Miller via AP

    My whole goal was to get back on the field on special teams and just be ready if the team needed me on defense. Now, with Talib out, they’ve needed me a little bit. And honestly, I’m still climbing back. It’s been a long two years, man. And I’m just now getting my groove back. I’m this close to being all the way back.

    And that’s why I came back. For the camaraderie and being around a group of guys like we got here in L.A. For a chance to be on a team that can compete every week. A chance to be back, doing the thing I love most.

    A chance to ball out again, man.

    Right now, I’m just riding the wave. And the way we prepare and the way we show up on Sundays … this team we got right here? I think we can ride all the way to the Super Bowl. I honestly believe that.

    I just feel blessed to be a part of it. Blessed to be back. I’m happy to be riding this wave. It’s been a good one.

    So I’mma just keep ridin’ it.


    • #3
      what a tremendous comeback. how exciting for the Rams that he is still developing.
      “Oh, 100 percent,” Donald said. “I feel like the words, ‘Thank you,’ ain’t enough. You’ve got to show it... Instead of saying thank you — show it.”


      • #4
        Great article. I enjoyed every word. Scary though hearing in his own words what it's like having that many concussions. I hope in the future he does regret his return to football.


        Related Topics


        • RamWraith
          Training Camp Quotes
          by RamWraith
          Tuesday, August 17, 2004

          Marc Bulger

          (On his arm)
          “It’s just a little bit sore. It’s not bad. I was just getting ready to get rid of the ball, so my arm was coming forward and my arm was held back by an arm or a pad. I just tweaked it a little bit. (It scared me) for about two seconds. You pretty much know when you are hurt and I realized I wasn’t. We did precautionary treatment on it, because sometimes the next day it will hurt. It’s a little sorer than it was yesterday, but it is nothing serious.”

          (On if his sore arm affected his throwing in the morning session)
          “I don’t think so. You deal with sore arms all of the time, and different body parts that are sore. So I don’t think it affected it.”

          (On how he feels he has been throwing the ball)
          “I’ve thrown the ball farely well. It’s real important in our offense to put the ball where you want every time to let the guys run. So obviously you will not do that every practice, but if you can do it more often than not then you are doing well.”

          (On if the offense still needs work)
          “Yeah (the offense still needs work). I think some of the young guys think we have a lot in now, and they haven’t seen anything yet. It’s only going to get a lot more complicated and a lot more complex. I think the older guys are up to speed, but I think from here on out we’ll be tearing it up a little.”

          (On practicing with RB Marshall Faulk)
          “I think the first couple weeks he did limited reps, but he has been in there every day now. It’s fun to have him back there. He just knows what he’s doing. It’s like having another quarterback out there. He can help everyone on the field.”

          DE Anthony Hargrove

          (On finding out about the hurricane in his hometown)
          “The Weather Channel told me they were going to be alright and just get light rain, and at the last minute it turned into a category four, and hit Southwest Florida. My brother and everybody called me and told me. I actually talked to my brother during the hurricane, just hearing them screaming, and hearing my family in the background going hysterical over it, it was crazy. I left the day after the hurricane and was there.”

          (On losing contact with his family during the storm)
          “I lost contact with my family, I didn’t know what happened. A part of our roof came off, and the next thing I lost connection with my brother. I was trying to call him all day, and get back with him, but the power was down. I couldn’t get a hold of my son and his mom, and nobody could find them, so that was another worry of mine. I realized I had to get back and try to find them.”

          (On how hard it was to find his family)
          “Once I got to Florida, my brother called me and told me where he was. I couldn’t get a hold of my parents, but luckily, they went back to the house, and we met with them...
          -08-18-2004, 04:30 AM
        • Mooselini
          Had my car window smashed...
          by Mooselini
          By a meth addict. Yes...

          I was watching South Park in my room. And my room window was opened. The next thing I hear is a window shattering. The first thought that went through my mind was "oh &#*@ thats my car!"

          So my brother and I ran outside and turned the light on. By the time we had turned the light on, the guy had booked it into his truck and sped off.

          I decided to call my friend, who called his parents. We described the vehicle and my friend's dad happened to be out side smoking when a vehicle similar to the description drove by. He followed a white pick up truck 27 miles. The cops eventually pulled the guy over and everyone thought everything was good and taken care of.

          ....WRONG. The guy they had pulled over ALSO was a victim. Apparantly, he had parked his car and walked inside to grab his jacket. The burglar walked up to his truck after the other guy had went inside his house. The robber took his car stereo and his girl friend's purse. The victim decided to drive around the neighborhood looking for the guy who stole his stuff. The victim happens to drive a white pick up truck as well. So the victim gets pulled over and the police realize that he is innocent. He had drove out that far to drop his girlfriend off at her house because she was startled.

          So the cops decided to come back to my house (jeez it only took them an hour and a half). When I am filling out my police report...ANOTHER case of a stereo being stolen out of a car was reported.

          So in one night, someone (or a group of people) are smashing windows or getting into unlocked cars to steal anything that may be of value to get their drug money. THREE CARS! Who knows, there could be more.

          Not only that, earlier on MY street. Literally FOUR houses away, a man was robbed. And we live in a good neighborhood. Across the street from the college and all the schools. A very quiet neighborhood with very minimal crime activity.

          And in the end, I am a victim of it. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Well I am hurt because I got a piece of glass stuck in my hand from cleaning it. But other than that, no one is hurt physically.

          I'm just shaken up a bit. Can't sleep.

          But I needed to vent and type it down. This is the first time I am a victim of anything like this and I am just shaken up.

          In the end, everybody is safe...

          GO RAMS. (lol)
          -11-20-2008, 12:30 AM
        • Guest's Avatar
          lol must read this
          by Guest
          I got this from the cards M-board

          Random thoughts from people 25-35 years old.

          -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

          -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
          think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
          my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

          -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
          realize you're wrong.

          -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
          going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
          be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
          from which you came, you have to first do something like check your
          watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to
          ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by
          randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

          -That's enough, Nickelback.

          -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

          -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
          feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
          not to be friends with?

          -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
          work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
          fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
          know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
          or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

          -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
          suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

          -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
          becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
          90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
          laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit
          harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one
          who really, really gets it.

          -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

          -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
          take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

          - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
          your computer history if you die.

          -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

          - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
          spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

          - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

          -09-04-2009, 10:19 PM
        • thoey
          Jokes and Humor
          by thoey
          Figured I would start an on-going thread just for jokes and humor.

          Chili Cook-off:

          Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

          I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

          Here are the scorecards from the event:

          Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

          JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
          JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
          CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

          Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

          JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
          JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
          CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

          Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

          JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
          JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
          CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

          Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

          JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
          JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
          CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I...
          -09-05-2007, 11:52 AM
        • RamWraith
          My Life: Challenges, Choices And Incredible Love
          by RamWraith


          My story begins in the small, blue-collar town of Endicott, New York, nestled between the Susquehanna River and the Adirondack mountains near the Pennsylvania border. I was born in Syracuse and was the youngest of five children. My parents both experienced broken childhood lives in and out of orphanages, neither really having a positive figure in their life to emulate. For my entire adolescence my family lived well below the poverty line. With my mother staying at home with us kids and my father armed with just a high school education to support us, money was never around. Regardless of this lack of money, my mother created an environment for us kids that oozed with love. She protected us from the ugliness in life as much as she could, including the volatile mix of anger, abuse and alcoholism that had seized my father during me and my siblings formative years. It was my mother whose character, gentleness and love prepared me not only to reach for my dreams, but how to be me.

          I remember fighting through winter nights with no heat, teeth chattering and blankets bundled. I knew I wasn’t alone though. I had my brothers and sisters. My mother would rock me to sleep and sing into my ear to comfort me. I remember times with no electricity and no television and huddling up to the battery-powered radio to listen to the Super Bowl. I remember my friends calling me on a pay phone because our telephone line was shut off for failure to pay the bills. I remember being forced to move for failing to pay rent. I remember living in a cramped tent for a whole summer. I remember living in that same tent for a frigid month in the fall. Sometimes I would wake up--cold and afraid--but all I had to do was to look over and see how strong my family was being and it comforted me. Food stamps couldn’t come fast enough as the cupboards were emptied by the end of each month. I remember the feeling of extreme embarrassment as the clerks at the store seemed to giggle as we flashed our food stamps as payment. I remember the points when food stamps weren’t enough, when we relied on church baskets. When we relied on the "defects" from grocery stores - food that they would throw into the dumpster in the back that was slightly defective.

          By the time my parents divorced I was nine years old. It never really bothered me. I think even at that young age I realized that the weight of my father’s abusive alcoholic behavior towards my mother and us kids was too much to bear any longer. My mother took us to live with her in a cramped apartment that was suited for three people instead of six. We struggled, but we were loved. I remember walking three miles to school and back every day in second grade because I was afraid to change schools. I remember assisted lunches in schools and the funny looks my schoolmates would give me because my clothes remained grass-stained...
          -03-01-2007, 04:20 AM